Thirty-nine years ago, the decision known as the Supreme Court handed down the decision known as Roe v. Wade, giving American women the legal right to abortion. I’ve had a few abortions, and I’d like to celebrate this decision by listing a few ways that Roe v. Wade has enriched my life.
Because of Roe v. Wade:
1) My labia, perineum and pelvic floor remain in their original pristine showroom condition. No one likes to depend on Depends.
2) I worked to support myself for six years by stripping. And then I got to write about it. Roe v. Wade is the gift that keeps on giving.
3) I didn’t have to spend the ‘80s driving a mini-van.
4) My breasts are fake and they are spectacular.
5) I had the freedom to go to graduate school to pursue my Ph.D. in English Literature. And then when I realized I didn’t want to be an academic, I had the freedom to drop out. Freedom is totes the coolest.
6) I never, not once, had to marry a man I wasn’t sure I wanted to be bound to by law. And therefore, I never, not once, had to get divorced when it all went asunder. I hear that it's really rather unpleasant.
7) I neither have a kid who’s turning thirty this year, nor do I have one who’s graduating from high school. Most delightingly, I don't have to keep track of all the others in between. So confusing.
8) I get to wear this groovy t-shirt that reads “Ask Me About My Multiple Abortions.”
9) I’ve never had to endure the peculiar hell of having my child walk in as I was blowing some dude.
10) I can be as lazy, solipsistic, narcissistic, workaholic and/or hedonistic as I want to be, and I don’t feel one iota guilty about it.
11) I have relatively few stretch-marks. See above.
12) Baby-free, I am a free bitch, baby.
13) I feel fine about my choice not to bear children. I didn’t want to be a mother, and I didn’t have to become one. It’s a happy ending that one should really see in a fairytale.
To support women's right to choose, go here. I did.
