it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

Yeah, my blog is four. Whoo, and if I might add, hoo.

I guess I've had a bunch of opportunities come to me because of my pretty dumb writing (having four pieces published in erotica anthologies, getting eight articles published in a bunch of magazines, being interviewed by Susie Bright, receiving the chance to write for a handful of websites for cash, getting several freelance gigs and corporate clients, meeting all kinds of fab people, and sexing up a couple of them). I'm experiencing a reaction that encapsulates the best of Sartrian nihilism coupled with tweener indifference. Whatever, I say.

Right now all I can see before me is a string of glistening rejections. In the past year, I've been rejected by my near-fiance and a publishing house. In the past week, I've been rejected by the New York Times and Stanford University. I've also been rejected by an ever unspooling string of other magazines, websites,  corporations and even one dog, who needed a dog walker. I know that writing is a long, lonely road studded with lots and lots of rejection. I know it, but I'm feeling beaten down, frankly. And pretty much like I need something good to happen to me.

I'm questioning my drive, my talent, my ambition, my abilities, my everything.

So, yeah, the blog is four. I got nothing. I'm going to go cry now because I can if I want to.

Comments

[Doomsayer]

I am a person that has great trouble feeling connected or be intrigued in someone,or find something I can find enough interest in to make my mind linger. From the second I saw your words,i was captivated, and your words show your beauty.

chin up,I say :). And happy..blog day,anniversary..thing.

[arlen]

you have my gratitude and sincere appreciation for enriching my life

[1st Republic 14th Star]

You need to keep writing and you need to keep working to get published. Some of your work on this blog is among the best writing I can recall seeing. If you get rejected or can't get in the door at one publisher or outlet, move on to another. Or raise the money and publish your work yourself. At some point someone who has the ability to make the difference is going to recognize in your output the same talent that keeps your loyal readers here coming back.

[Mette]

Dear Chelsea

It is weird: You don't know me, and probably never will. I have never met you, and I'm living on the other side of the earth. And yet I have the strangest, saddest feeling, that a friend of mine is in trouble, and I want to find you and hug you and take you out for drinks and talks and.. whatever, to make you happy again.

Your writing makes me feel like that. For whatever it's worth, consider yourself loved by a long time reader, crossing my fingers and wishing for something genuinely good to come your way.

[Nin]

Rejection will either turn you into a better writer, a stubborn writer, or a writer-by-day-serial-killer-by-night, so really it can only make your life more exciting.

[notaboyscout]

I like your all of your writing that I have seen, and if you were here in person in front of me, I would give you a big hug.

[Svasti]

You are a MUCH better writer than I... but I write anyway, because my heart that beats a little easier when I do.

You will get there. But until you do... keep writing, keep finding things that light your creative fire, and keep on doing what you do. No one said it was easy. Except for those lucky bastards who always seem to get it easy. Some of us never have it easy, as you know!

I think, what you need right now is to read my Cookie Philosophy. It helps, trust me! ;)

[Pete]

CG,
You are a gifted writer who has the gift of word pictures, do NOT give up.
Pete

[Viviane]

Wow, 4 years. Each year, I marvel. What can I say? It is tough to write, and to persevere. I am so glad you are writing again.

[The Underblawger]

You write uncommonly well.

[gabriel]

Don't question yourself . You're the best...writer.and bloger..let the boat navigate to the sea without questioned anything..let the boat navigate and you girl keep writing...keep pushing and believe in your talent...because I believe in you...I read you...and I like that. keep pushing Chelsea Girl.
Cheers

[K]

You write very, very well, and everything you've posted on this blog, I've liked very much.

Except these types of self-indulgent posts. It's your blog, of course, and you should express yourself, but I wonder, what kind of responses are you looking for? Affirmation? Comfort? It doesn't much help your case that you just want to write when you write things like this.

[chelsea g.]

Well, actually, K, it does.

Not only does it help me because many people tell me they like what I do--and that is something I tend to forget when I've had weeks like the one I've just had--but it also helps me emotionally when I vent.

And one other thing, when I write about being sad and low, full of self-doubt and reckoning with rejection helps because sometimes, like yesterday, I'll get an email out of the blue offering me new avenues of writing work.

This is my blog. I will write what I want. Thank you for giving me your permission, and you're very welcome to skip any posts you find "self-indulgent."

kissykiss,
chelsea g.

[Unnur María]

I'm sending you muchos besos and hugs from Mexico City with hopes that you can truck through those difficult times until the days of wine and roses and recognition arrive. And with regard to K's comment, it's your bloody party so if you wanna cry or scream and smash plates you should feel to! It's what I occasionally use my blog for and the idea that one should not is ridic!!! :)

[Alana]

CG,

The writing life sucks an unwashed asshole, obviously. I've been told by more than a few mentors that no one gives a shit if I write another word but me.

True. I can't fathom life without writing.

Peace,

A

[K]

Apologies, I sort of feared you might take my comment to be condescending or otherwise offensive, but it was meant to be a constructive comment.

As a reader, when I see the "seeking affirmation" posts, it doesn't make me interested or engaged or thoughtful or all the other things your other writing does. It just makes me feel bad for you. Write about doubt. Write about struggle. Write about these things like a writer would. But otherwise, I see this and I think: "Fishing for compliments."

[minstrel hussain boy]

it might be that the only artists who endure greater rejection numbers than actors and musicians are writers. i went through mind numbing, soul killing rejections while trying to get something resembling a career cobbled together. (an aside, i tell young people interested in a music career that the three most over rated things in the world are 1. young pussy. 2. ford trucks. 3. a career as a musician) it is murderous. maybe even more for musicians and writers than actors because at least those folks can say "it was the character that was rejected, not me."

i know of no words to say that can ease the sting of these perceived rejections, piled as they are one upon the other. i can say this. i love the way that you write. i am a better writer myself for the time that i have spent listening to your style. even though you write about things that i can't even begin to touch (it's the fuddy duddy in me, nothing more, nothing less, musicians on the road on a regular basis do things that would make dr. kinsey need to cross his legs, i just can't write about that stuff)

here's the deal though, you owe me, as a reader jack shit. you owe yourself everything. i don't know what you owe to your art. i can say that i've sold my own art out more often than cheap beads at a swap meet.

i spent a long time haunting the studios around l.a. flogging jingle work. hey, none of the assholes who called me a sell-out were lining up to feed my kids to get them into schools. i found myself, after another afternoon selling stuff i didn't know about to people i would never meet stuck in the traffic on the 91. stuck. orange county stuck. i had this little voice going off in my head on a maddeningly regular basis saying whore!...whore!....whore!

it was getting to be intrusive and shit. i finally started talking back to the fucking little voice. i took a clear-eyed stock of my life and had to admit, yes, i am a whore. i'm an expensive whore, but i'm a whore. i get lots of repeat johns so i must be an enjoyable whore. i think my pimp (or as they call them in hollywood, agent) really, really, really loves me.

i finally realized that when it really comes down to it, the only sign of god's special favor that i could hope for was a chance to brush my teeth between blowjobs.

i'm still a whore. not even a high class one. i do have a daughter about to graduate from medical school though.

don't know where i was actually going with that.

happy anniversary my dear. i hope you keep at it. selfish hope, but hope nonetheless. if you choose to wrap it up, i understand and thank you for the time you've spent giving us our little peek into your head.

[md]

I'm a terrible writer so I never comment but I do have a passion for reading excellent writing. I think you are one of the best in the world. Your writing often give me goosebumps and tears it's so good. I think it's just a matter of time before you are realized.

[Goose]

Dear lovely Chelsea,
Happy anniversary. Much love to someone who I have followed since the beginning.
xO

[country mouse]

I am always embarrassed to comment on your blog because what you do is in a league so far above what I could ever do.

You're a real writer. An honest writer. You don't add words to sound important--you sculpt with words.

Most of the rest of us? Housewife wannabe hacks : )

[CW]

What courage it must take to choose a vocation in which success is measured by the approval of total strangers! That goes for writing AND stripping, just to name two.

You've never owed us anything, yet have given us so much. May you continue this wonderful work as long as you should wish - whether that be for the next twenty years or just a week - and thank you for everything you've shared with us.

CW

[G]

You have my award and seal of approval as the very, very VERY Best English Prof in the History of the Universe. I don't know if that counts for much, especially since the award comes with no shiny trophies nor wads of cash, but I think a few other of my peers would agree with it!

If I could write half as well as you do, I think I'd be set for life... and I'm sending good vibes your way. My fingers are crossed for the tides to turn and a wave of acceptances/approvals/winnings to crash into your mailbox!