"fun" with words, stalker-style

Nothing shows a person that she has had a profound effect quite like a getting her own stalker. As my long-time readers know, for over three years I have withstood the concerted attack of a pair of stalkers (though it seems from the writing to have narrowed to just the female of the pair). It’s not an easy thing to stand in silence while assaulted for such an extended period and with such vituperation.

I know that I’m not alone either in being stalked by these people, nor am I alone in being stalked in general. A friend of mine who teaches fourth grade recently told me a story of a third-grader who created an e-addy, took the guise of her teacher and sent out a blizzard of spurious emails to the parents of all of her class. The girl was found out; she caved to pressure and confessed to her actions. If nine year-olds are engaged in cyber harassment, one can only pause to wonder at what dark and virtual harm adults may wreak. I, for one, know. My stalkers have outed me by connecting this blog’s pseudonym with my real name; they have emailed friends and supporters and assaulted my character; they have sent over two hundred emails to me—each under separate names and new email addresses—to describe in lavish, if repetitive, detail precisely how worthless I am.

Not for nothing, even I have to admire their sheer stamina. I can rarely summon that much interest—or invest that much time—in something I like, much less something I purport to loathe. It’s kind of awe-inspiring to ponder the sheer number of hours and the herculean effort that these people (or person) have devoted to me. I have to wonder what these people are forgoing in their own lives in order to spend so much time looking at and deriding my own. If only they used their powers for good, and not evil.

Alas, that will probably never be the case. In the past few months, being both woefully under-employed and a writer, I have had the time to assemble some pitches for articles. One of my pitches centers on cyberstalkers and writing it required a fair amount of research. I’ve learned a lot about the people who choose to use the Internet not for what God intended—namely porn, shopping, quasi-illegal downloading of music, and LOLcats—but rather to reach out and virtually touch someone where it hurts. I’ve talked to cops, lawyers, victim advocates, cyber investigators and psychologists, and they all say pretty much the same thing. Cyber-harassers are often nominally sane, which is to say they hide their insanity well; they often would never take the kind of actions in real life that they take online; they quite often cry wolf when they themselves are the wolves in ovine clothing; and they often choose to harass people to whom they’d like to be close, but who have rejected them. (Should anyone question whether I myself am a white-washed wolf, feel free to contemplate whether I would have outed myself on a site available to my students. I would not.)

All the experts agree on these points; they also agree that there is very little anyone can do about protecting him or herself from the slings and arrows of outrageous, virtual misfortune. It’s a tough crime to track down. It’s a tough crime to prosecute. It’s a tough crime to even call a crime, for even though cyber harassment is actionable under an amendment to a law that forbids people to use telephones to harass, no law enforcement agency really takes it seriously. Unless a stalker moves from the virtual world into the real world, or unless the victim is underage, there is very little action the stalked can take.

Only in the meantime, reputations can be harmed. Trust can be shattered. Psyches can be damaged. And a permeating sense of danger can imbue the victim’s world. Which is, quite frankly, pretty much what happened to me. I wish I could say that I had emerged unscathed from the pillorying hands of my stalkers. I haven’t, but I’m feeling a bit more healed than hurt. They’re assholes, and every letter they send I see their assholery in ever more Technicolor, high-def clarity.

Knowledge is power or at least it’s empowering, even if it’s not much protection. I’m still tweaking my cyberstalking pitch, and while the pitch has yet to burgeon from acorn to oak, and while what I’ve learned isn’t particularly good news for victims like me, I’m still comforted by what I’ve gleaned. I know that the issues my stalkers have caused for me are ephemeral, even if at times these problems have felt huge and looming. I know what kind of people my stalkers are, for everything they’ve done exemplifies how neatly they fit into the paradigm of cyberstalkers. I know that I’m not alone, and I know that my story is far from the worst. I know that while the law can’t protect me, I’m still going to be fine. And mostly I know that if I weren’t worthy, interesting, talented, brilliant, provocative and beloved, my stalkers wouldn’t have fixated on me as they have.

In writing this piece, I’ve done exactly what my lawyer, advocate, P.I., and law enforcement officials have instructed me not to do. Fuck it. Even though I know I’m supposed to say nothing, even though I’m supposed to starve these bullies of attention, I’m tired of staying silent, of suffering in solitude. I’ve reproduced the last two emails from the stalkers after the fold. Read them if you want. If you do, you’ll see how precisely paradoxical these people’s mission is, exactly how much their efforts to debase me fails. For in every phrase hides the contradiction, the message that shines below the surface, nimbler than a double entendre, slipperier than an anagram, quicker than an acrostic, a puzzle whose true meaning comes clear when you read beyond the simple words on the page. These words of these people betray them; they may be evil, they may be crazy, they may be damaged, but they are also jealous. And, above all, they can go fuck themselves.

From "Kendra Millstone," dated 3 February 2009:

There is no accidental about it hunnybunny, You. Are. A. Whore.

The worst part of it is that women who have had the advantages that you have in education and experience continue to be little more than sex slaves. you are trapped by an outdated cultural construct. If you want to use the word 'partner' when refering to your date, you better pay your way. If not you might want to consider words like 'employer' when refering to your man.

You're not really a feminist, you just think you are because intellectually you like the idea of a repository power that you can tap into when the truth of your powerlessness hits you, but you have never acted like a feminist. You have convinced yourself that you are not a bimbo because you've an education, but you are a bimbo because of the life you have led.

Who's fucking the ex these days?

Kendra smarty pants

From "Michelle Single," dated 4 February 2009:

Maybe you are a bit like Marissa Tomeii in The Wrestler? She's a stripper and an idiot too, (who also wouldn't date customers).

Oh wait, you did date customers.

Oh yeah, and she had a child instead of killing 7 or 8 of them (who can keep count?)

Wouldn't miss your chubby faced reading for the world, see you there!!

P.s. Is it fair to assume that the novel has gone the way of the PhD thesis? :^]

Comments

[Karl Elvis]

Fuck themselves indeed. They're beyond pathetic. What astonishes me is the single-mindedness of the attack, though. It's a very special kind of crazy that has one committing this much prolonged effort towards something so profoundly moronic.

The good thing is, you - and everyone else who has ever met you, spoken to you, or read your blog - know full well that these people are worthless crap.

And I'm glad to see you writing again; I missed you.

[Summer]

Ah, the sweet pain-in-the-ass of being cyber stalked. You know when I dropped out of the internet world, they moved on to harassing my (now ex) husband. That's commitment. It was over 4 years of craziness. God bless her sad, sad soul. When he refused to engage her or tell her where I was, she finally gave up. Changing my name helped, but only after I had distanced myself from nearly everyone I knew.

I feel for you sweetie. And they are idiots. You are lovely. Really. I know.

And, you are right to tell them to go fuck themselves. Ignoring the bully never puts an end to it. Pretending it isn't happening doesn't help - it enables. So, yes, stand up for yourself. Good. I hope your pitch gets picked up - I wanna read that article, maybe send a woman I used to know a copy. ;)

[Christina]

Jealousy's a bitch. Probably an ex of one of your ex's.

[ajooja]

I was thinking the same as Christina. The abortion dig reeks of "deranged, right wing nut job" too, so you never know.

I dealt with a cyber bully a couple of years ago and I'm just now getting to where I (honestly) don't give a shit about any of the interested parties. It's tough. I wish you all the best. [[big hugs]]

[chelsea g.]

Actually, it's not a "right-wing nut job." It's another blogger who used to write extensively about sex. See above: jealous.

kissykiss,
chelsea g.

[Lisa]

@ajooja:

Be nice. Nutjobs come from all sides, right and left. =)

@CG: They suck. Don't let the b*stards get ya down...

[rt]

I join in on the chorus of "Fuck these sad people." I am so happy you're back, Chelsea -- I've kept you at the top of my bookmarks and got a copy of X because you had a piece in it. (Of course, I enjoy it as a whole, but you were still the motivating factor.) I always hesitate to leave comments on your post because it feels like trying to write in a diary after reading Anais Nin -- how can I presume to write in the presence of such loveliness -- but I just had to chip in here.

[GP]

I think that your post is fine because it expresses how you feel about a very difficult situation. My only concern would be for your safety. I hope that the individual(s) involved are not unstable to the point that they would harm you. If you ever feel unsafe, then I hope that you will not hesitate to file a complaint with the police. Cheers, GP

[MJ]

You go girl.

Thank you, also, for teaching me something useful in this post. In the last year I refused to agree to be part of a colleague's dishonesty, but did her no harm, just let her know that I knew what was up and wanted no part of it, ever - but the mere act of cutting ties deranged her. I was no longer her BFF or her object to control. I got a long series of threatening, increasingly deranged emails, and ignored them all. As far as I'm concerned she doesn't exist any longer. Now she seems to be feeding on someone else's soul. Good luck to both of them.

But now I understand better - nominal sanity and rage borne of not getting the craved attention and approval. Hm. Must do a better job of never getting to know the "nominally sane" in the future.

[Pete]

CG,
Having been stalked myself, I can empathize. My stalking was physical not virtual, but very creepy none the less. I have thought since I began reading your posts near the beginning of your blog. I believe that you are a creative erudite writer and one who knows that you have the power to use and enjoy your sexuality. Using this power does not demean you or lower your esteem in my opinion.
Keep writing.
Karl says it well.
Pete

[sam kim]

really really glad to see you writing again! its hard to be on the outside giving instruction on how to deal with these effing morons, but... yeah, its good to move toward not caring.

you make a good point about the stamina required to continue these attacks. the amount of negative energy spent is pretty amazing...

[sera]

The thing that is curious to me about these letters is how juvenile they are. I understand e-obsession . . . but I'm not sure I quite get why people resort to third-grade tactics like sending notes and signing one's name as "smarty pants". Hunh. Go figger.

[Svasti]

I had a bully once, not a cyber bully, a next door neighbour, totally crazy kinda bully. I wrote about it on my blog somewhere. I call her 'Crazy Cathy'.

Much of what you wrote about cyber bullies also relates to RL ones. Especially the 'cry wolf' stuff - Crazy Cathy went so far as to try and get a restraining order against me, claiming I was harrassing her when in fact it was the other way around!

Basically, they're very damaged people who chose someone to fixate on and make that person the focus of their scorn and hatred. But the person they really can't stand is themselves...

I hope they get tired of their game eventually. As you point out, its a great deal of their time and energy to constantly keep you top of mind, create new email addresses, send you nasty messages.

Sad, really...

[minstrel hussain boy]

my best thoughts and wishes for you. since i have a reputation of going absolutely tribal on bullies, i tend to not get them. doesn't mean i let my scalp knife get rusty or some shit like that.

fuck them indeed. stay strong.

Nohwi'odla nayid ntaahgoh, nhildizitigo adanizih, yexaaiidelah go deyah tc'indii

(our character has been tested, we proved strong, having been prepared we walk, all our people say this)

[long-time reader]

The author of the first email seems British, due to her use of "you've." England's libel laws are much stricter than ours.

[LL]

Wow, I know people feel freer to "express themselves" online, but there is something truly unsavory and almost sexual about the tone of these- calling someone "hunnybunny"- that word is such a weird foil to the rest of email, like they need to make you submissive first, & elevated themselves to that level of condescension only possible here on the interwebs.

I can see how someone would want to go to that very dark place, the “I can say anything I want place”, the place where you really get to be a cruel as you can- it’s why I like to watch violent movies- you get a moment where you connect with that darkness.
But acknowledging the darkness & acting on it are wickedly different things- and there is a special ring of hell reserved for the people who hurt other people like this.

Shudder.

Dude, there is totally a play in this- a one woman show, reading the harassing emails to a live audience within a narative arc, putting words that were never supposed to be said out loud on stage- it would be chilling and really engaging.

So glad you are writing again, I think you are awesome.

LL

[Arlen]

i live for the little ironies: such as your cyberstalker piece leading to the juiciest book deal

[lynn]

Interesting that so many "authorities" would encourage you not to publish the silly revealing words of stalkers. I can see how one wouldn't want to give the stalkers any attention, but it is [obviously] quite possible for you to take ownership of the material and use it for your personal and professional growth.

So in sum: you go, chelsea girl!

[Joles38]

I say keep posting these juvinile stalker letters. You should be flattered that someone thinks so often about you. THAT is empowering. I say post the words so we readers can have a good laugh from time to time. These are some really sick, jealous, morons.