thanks a lot

A week ago, my therapist assigned me homework. It’s the first time she has done so in the five-plus years I’ve been her analysand (a word that increasingly seems like it comes from Arrested Development the more I look at it), and thus I feel a bit more compelled to actually do it than I otherwise might. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that she also lent me a book to read that I have absolutely no intention of reading, even though I probably will leaf through it in a desultory fashion. It’s by the Jonathan Livingston Seagull author and I just can’t shake the 70’s reverberations.)

My therapist assigned said homework because I remain mired in a funk, and not in the good Parliament, Bootsy Collins kind of way. The phrase that feels most true is this one: at a loss. I am at a loss. I’m really at many losses, but I might as well assimilate them together into one collective noun like “bread” or “sheep” and call it “loss.” I feel as if I’ve been flailing around in a wide, wide sea, only intermittently feeling the fright of the deep blue below, and only occasionally feeling as if I’m getting any closer to shore. I am at a loss, unsure and amorphous, plagued by plangent sorrow. And I guess I’ve had enough of it. Otherwise I would have made some kind of sarcastic comment to my therapist and moved on, cynically.

So what were the three pieces of homework she gave me? First, and most easily, she told me I had to go to the gym at least twice a week. In an exuberant burst of financial optimism, I joined a super-expensive gym last March. I rarely go, though I pay the fee every month. It’s only sage of me to follow my therapist’s directive and alleviate my pangs of guilt, if nothing else.

She also told me that every week I must “spend some time with God.” This is a harder mandate because a) I don’t like people and there tend to be a lot of people wherever there is religion and b) I’m sort of in between religions right now. I get that crawling feeling in my gut whenever I contemplate walking into a house of worship, like everyone there is going to turn and point and collectively yell, “Blasphemer!” in my specific direction and then I’ll look down and realize I forgot pants. I’m not good with groups, authority or following along with the sitting/standing/responding in kind. And I really am kind of suck at the whole faith thing.

Beyond one being a worshipping at the temple of the flesh and the other at the temple of the spirit, the gym thing and the religion thing converge personally. I’ve done them both, though so long ago, and in the meantime I’ve changed so much and forgotten even more. In both environs I feel strange beyond the telling of it. Plus, in my state of abject loss, I’ve had a hard time with people looking at me. I’m thinking that my life would be so much better were I simply invisible, even though that invisibility would mean people would bump into me on the street and I’d have to make my own coffee.  But I suppose I’ll soldier on, man up and get my ass and my soul to the gym and to the synagogue, respectively.

The third instruction my therapist gave me was to wake every morning and begin my day by listing three things for which I’m grateful. Thus far, I’ve yet to actually write the list, which is problematic because I’m supposed to bring it in so that we can talk about it, an idea to which I’m so averse it brings out the coal-hearted cynic in me. I have, therefore, only made the list in my head, and I suppose I’ll have to crib the list in a last-minute ditch and come up with two weeks’ worth of attitudes of gratitude.

In no particular order, here are a few things for which I’ve felt grateful. They’ll probably tell you as much about me as my therapist knows. Which is to say a lot.

I’m grateful for Dorothy Parker. More than a poet, creative writer, essayist, magazine editor and crucible of cultural zeitgeist, Parker was an exquisite bitch. I love that, and I am thankful to her every time I inadvertently channel her, as I did when, readying myself to depart an awful but crowded party, a woman saw me dressed in my zipped-up coat, hat and purse in hand, and asked, “Are you leaving?” and I replied, “No, I was just cold.”

I’m grateful for expletives. I like to allow myself a full range of expression, and there is little I like more than using expletives as intensifying adverbs, imperatives, direct addresses or simple exclamations. I’m particularly fond of “fuck” for its flexibility and Anglo Saxon mouth-feel, but I’ll surely seize the opportunity to utter “cocksucker” when given the proper occasion.

I’m grateful for my Hitachi Magic Wand. It took a while to make friends with my Wand, but now I find it is reliably the shortest line between ambient friskiness and an orgasm. Plus, because I use it over my covers, I don’t have to wash it. It’s win-win.

I’m grateful for alcohol. You know, I didn’t discover the pleasure of drinking until relatively recently. I worked for six years in a strip club and rarely drank more than a single drink all night. I can count the number of times since adolescence that I’ve gotten drunk. I’ve never been much of a drinker, but I have to admit that it does have a singular edge-easing charm. I still have the alcohol tolerance of a parochial school girl, as testified by my whiskey-fueled exuberance that caused me to do a drive-by hitting on this terribly hot androgynous woman at the BLE reading the other week, a hitting-upon that as yet goes completely unrequited. I put alcohol in the plus column nonetheless.

I’m grateful for The Dandy Warhols. Specifically, I’m grateful for their Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia. The slacker haze and cynical posturing and dirty guitar make me happy in a foul kind of way.

I’m grateful for Xanax. I don’t take much nor do I take it very often, but gosh, it’s lovely when I feel tachycardiac with fear. (Also, see above: alcohol.)

I’m grateful for Sarah Palin. Were it not for Sarah Palin, I would have continued in the politically ignorant state I have spent most of my life. When Sarah Palin was nominated as the Republican vice presidential candidate, I underwent a series of violent reactions. Amusement turned to morbid curiosity, which turned to obsessional interest, which in turn became horror, which begat yet more obsession, and it all somewhere led me down the thorny path of becoming a dilettante political junkie and, eventually, to Rachel Maddow. I now realize I’m a progressive, and maybe a little bit gay.

I am grateful for my self-control. A few times over the past couple of weeks I’ve gotten texts from both Donny and the man known here as the Vampire. In both circumstances I managed to restrain myself from saying things to these two individuals that would have belied my inner raging crazy. The fact that I did not give into the whirling harridan suggests that perhaps I’m not as lunatic as I like to think I am.

I’m also grateful to Joss Whedon, the makers of those microwavable curries-in-a-pouch and Balduccis for selling the curries for $3.23, the entire series of The Wire, Amazon.com, cashmere goats, not giving into my deep desire to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, half-and-half, all the magazines and companys who pay me to write, Vladimir Nabokov, recent events that suggest that though my heart has spent a lot of time broken perhaps it is slowly and faultily ticking once more, my rental company for not serving me with eviction papers because I’m a month behind in my rent, all of my friends, and you for continuing to read, even though I am here so rarely.

I guess I do have something to tell my therapist after all.

Above all, I’m grateful for the artificial complete caesura that is New Year’s. I frankly can’t fucking wait to kick 2008 in its cock-sucking ass. I bid adieu to this suck year and wish you—and me—a 2009 brightly lit with reasons to be thankful.

Comments

[Scott]

Hmm. I've followed your blog for a while and it sounds like we might be in similar kinds of funk. I've found Wellbutrin to help with both my smoking (it's also sold, rebranded, as the smoking cessation aid Zyban) and my, um, "plangent sorrow". At the very least, it makes it easier to go the gym, something which about which I am in agreement with your therapist: it is a good, though odious, idea. I can't say I recommend the religion. That sounds like horrible advice.

[Southern]

Well CG...here's a wish that 2009 will be a better year for you and I. I find 12/31 being the end of my full time working career unless I come upon a new gig. I'm ambivalent about whether I want to do that or not, but since my former employer sold our business to another corporate giant that sold it's soul to Wall Street some time ago, I'm effectively sans a job as of the end of the year which gives me the pleasure of starting a New Year with a clean slate. Regarding the homework, if you think the therapist has potential, follow the path and see where it takes you.

[Svasti]

Bravo, Chelsea...

Therapists love suggesting shit, but sometimes it can be incredibly useful shit. Or so I've found.

Getting sick of our own crap is the only point at which we can actually do something about it. So that's a good thing, and I believe, something else to add to your list of things to be grateful for.

In my experience of God... well, as a yogi anyways... god/God is wherever you're at. And I don't believe for one minute you need to go join a 'group' or worship in public. For me, I can find god in a tree, a walk in the park, the beauty of watching animals at play, in a sunset. I think its about communion - with the Self as God, with the world around us, and honouring your inner worth.

Really I guess what I'm saying is that it should be a personal experience, and perhaps you can work out how you'd like to spend that time, instead of in someone else's idea of what god is or means?

Re: the gratitude, that's one fabulously long list. Longer than mine would be at this point in time.

I've read most, if not all of your blog in the past. Way before I created my own blog. So, I feel safe in saying - you've come a long way, baby.

Oh, and I love the Dandy's, too. And kudos on the self-restraint. Admirable...

[wired]

I think we all are a little gay for Rachel Maddow. Even the boys.

[Deca]

Long time reader here. I just wanted to mention, being a west coast outdoorsy guy, that 'spending time with God' does not have to mean 'in a house of worship', nor does 'God' have to mean the traditionally-defined god of our ancient texts. I feel for you and I wish you the best in this new year!

[minstrel hussain boy]

we get lots of that "gratitude list" stuff in AA too. i am, sixteen years down this road of sobriety, still not the most grateful type. i tell the world quite frankly that they will have to settle for "not actively seeking revenge" rather than gratitude.

good to see you back my dear.

[Stan]

I agree with you about saying 'good riddance' to 2008. It's been a very weird year for me. It started out supremely bad, but then it got better. And it even got pretty good. But the Very Good and Very Bad only really served to cancel each other and average to a firm 'OK'. So I'm looking forward to 2009 being better all around.

And I agree with the other comments above that you don't necessarily need organized religion to spend time with God. It's a personal thing that you can do entirely on your own. You don't even need the spiritual equivalent of the Hitachi Magic Wand to do it. (Although if there was such a thing, I might even try being religious just so I could try it.)

Anyway, I wish you the best in the new year.

[alphagirl]

Best wishes for the New Year! Your writing always makes me smile and inspires me. Thank you for letting us know you are still out there...

[LL]

Thank you for everything & happy 2009.

[Pete]

CG,
Glad to see you still have a way with prose.
Happy New Year and best wishes for a successful and fulfilling year ahead.
I agree wired.
I hope that after 20JAN09, the country can get back its' mojo and we can than be collectively happy.
As always nice to hear from you.
Pete

[mossum]

Would just like to add my $.02 here and second the general emotion about the religious advice. God, imo, or whatever you want to call him/her/it, is not found betwixt any particular four walls. There is an enormous difference between spirit and religion, actually. So you go girl, and do whatever it is that works for you to "spend some time with God." PS, If she did mean go to church, I'd be pissed. No one has the right to shove their dogma on you! That is all. Glad you're still writing.

[TheMountainKing]

CG,

It's great to see you posting again. Back when you cried off the blog a few months back, I fought with myself as to whether or not to delete your blog addy from my bookmarks. I'm glad I didn't.

Having gone through therapy myself, I have to say that I think you should at least try what your therapist/analyst is suggesting (though I'd be in the same boat as you with the list-making.) Workouts release feel-good endorphins, and while they may only be temporary hormonal happiness, they're worth it if you're in a funk.

As far as spending time with God, I think it's a good idea (this coming from an agnostic with Taoist philosophies.) The Divine is everywhere. I've found divinity in a mountain breeze, a sunny afternoon in the park, a violent blizzard, and in puppies (especially in the puppies!) I understand if your personal philosophy is that you should be in a synagogue to be with God, but don't forget, Moses found God on a mountain, and there wasn't even a synagogue in existence at the time.

I'll also agree with you that 2008 was totally The Suck. I struggled and lost more often than not to keep positive. Thank goodness 2008 gone, or at least on its way out. 2009 is already shaping up for me to be much better than this year, and it hasn't even started yet. Best of luck to you in the coming year.

Namaste,

TMK

[Alana]

Hi CG,

Hi! Hi! So I know you're not blogging much anymore and I, for one, relate. Listen, I've started then murdered four blogs and counting. But who's counting, really? I miss reading your blog posts. I miss reading your blog posts same way I miss Colorado Green Chili Sauce here in Oregon. How i long for that Colorado Green Chili Sauce like I got at the Blue Bonnet on Broadway Avenue with my one time lover, Wendy.

Physical activity is good. I hate gyms. Aerobics. Weight lifting. Bah. I walk everywhere now because I haven't had a vehicle in six months, and I also do the Elliptical Stepper, given to me by friends who didn't want to take it with them when they moved; so I got lucky because those effers are expensive. :-)

"God" is where ever you chose to find "god." No worries there. God is art. God is the natural world. God is an orgasm. I love you. Amen.

The list is cool. I'm also grateful for alcohol, my vibrator, and the Dandy Warhols, Portland band!

Peace,
A

[Karl Elvis MacRae]

I'm grateful for Chelsea Girl.

[Chris]

This has been a crappy year, and I'm glad to see it end. I'm thankful to see it go. And I'm thankful every time I see you sending elegantly acid words onto the page again.

[Digger Jones]

Well, the consensus is that God does not equal religion and I agree. But God does NOT equal self. I think that needs to be pointed out, and probably the point your therapist might have been trying to make. Running the universe is a big job, and if you try to fulfill that role (and most of us do) no wonder you get depressed! You might just as easily meet other people looking to spend time with God in a bar as any church, but finding a supportive community is also kind of important. I can't think of any I would recommend at the moment, but by letting God be in charge means letting Him guide things without being too hard on yourself while being open to guidance. Sorry if this sounds like condescending rubbish, but here's 3 affirmations that help me at times when I'm feeling lost:
- I am loved as a child of God
- I will always take the right turn of the road
- God can make a way where there is no way

*smooch!*
D

[Prince of Darfur]

A New Year's kiss for you darlin'. I missed you this past year. Don't be a stranger. Please write home.

[Chuck]

Amen to the idea(s) that "God" is someone/something/someplace that enables you to get outside of your own head for a while. (But retaining the clarity of thought that alcohol so often dulls or takes away.)

Another avenue to explore might be finding a way to be in service to folks in greater need than you. Here again it can help distract you from your own spiraling thoughts and might help put your own needs in perspective. It doesn't have to be at a soup kitchen; I seem to remember that you were a pretty good teacher.

If the book she lent you is "Illusions", it's actually kind of a fun read. Give it a chance.

[James]

I'm going to second Deca's comment. I too am a west-coast outdoorsy guy. If you're looking for God or some nonsense like that,

Go find a mountain and sit on it.

Don't forget your sunscreen. Snow reflection is a killer.

all my best,

[Jessica]

I am thankful for finding your writing and thoughts. Thank you.

[Dari]

So nice to read an entry from you! I understand the therapist's counsel on both gym and religion, as they're both a way to distract from the occasional all-encompassingness of the self. As such, personal meditation and spirituality are lovely and also recommended, but I suspect it's the immersion in some sort of community she recommended. I love the suggestion of an above noter that volunteering somewhere might be a similar, non-dogmatic experience.

[Pauline Haydon]

This is great. Truly a cock sucker of a year. But "this will be our year, took a long time to come." -the zombies.

[Gary Gill]

CG

Long time reader. First time poster.

Your therapist said find god. Not find religion.

Draw a Venn diagram, with the circles intersecting only slightly. On the left, religion. On the right, god. Notice how god intersects religion.

Take care and best wishes for a healthy, happy 09.

[sera]

I'm grateful you're back.

[nico]

CG -

This is a brilliant post. I struggle so much with this type of instruction to "think positive" (and being handed some Richard Bach idiocy) when feeling surrounded by an 'old dirty black and orange-shit' world. But being snarkily positive is something I can definitely handle, and may be move ahead from there... champagne cheers!