somewhere between my acquaintance and my buddy

As much I love self-love, I have a vexed relationship with my Hitachi Magic Wand™, something that I have not kept secret. In sex-positive press and in porn, the Hitachi gets treated like the second coming, but when I use it, I feel like I’m using something from the Black & Decker erotic division. It’s ugly. It’s unwieldy. It’s overly powerful; its vibrations could just about rattle Gotham concrete into fragments. For me to use it with any success, I have to wad several layers of fabric between its inscrutably nubbly knob and my tender-flower girl parts.

When I do use it, I employ it like the household appliance of love. My Hitachi provides a shorter journey between an orgasm and me. It’s not quality that counts; it’s efficiency. The Hitachi acts like an electric mixer. Sure, I could get the same results, perhaps even better, if I whipped the cream by hand, but why bother? The Hitachi isn’t about art; it’s about speed. And because I use it over hermetically-sealed genitals, I don’t have to clean it at all. I like that.

Given my unabashed ambivalence about the Hitachi, I was surprised when the good people behind the company My Buddy offered to send me a full kit to try out. After all, it’s not like I’m currently waving the big foam finger for the Magic Wand, so it’s unlikely that I’d be waving it with any more fervency when it was accessorized by the full pantheon of My Buddy goods—a big pillow that holds the wand, a box that controls the wand, covers for the pillow that hold the wand, silicone nubbly attachments that fit on the wand, and a wand. Not dissuaded by my tepid response, Dr. Buddy sent me enthusiastic emails and a big box of My Buddy stuff post-haste.

Sheathed in pink Lycra, my My Buddy looks like something a very perverted Easter bunny might leave before hippity-hopping his way to an orgy. It’s a big pillow, and oddly shaped. It kind of looks like a Honda Prius with side cars winging out on either side. Presumably, the sidecars give you a place to buttress your knees either fore or aft, depending on which way the pillow faces—Prius grill toward sternum or Prius grill toward pudendum. I also received a black Lycra cover, I’m guessing for those days when I’m feeling more AC/DC than “Stupid Girls.”

I say “presumably” because I have yet to use the pillow. There’s something about threading the wand through the pillow, readying the whole kit and caboodle, positioning my nethers over it correctly, and then humping it with Dionysian abandon that feels indecorous to me. I can’t quite bring myself to masturbate with all that gear. Even though the only beings who’d see me are my pets, I am stymied by free-floating and inexplicable shame. So the pillow, and its extra cover, remain wrapped in their plastic bags. Being of a filthy and busy mind, I can visualize the pillow’s utility in enhancing Doggystyle; however, I can’t go there yet.

While the actual Buddy part of the My Buddy system remains firmly in the speculative realm, I can absolutely vouch for the Radio Shack-style controller. It’s not a pretty thing, the controller—it’s certainly not an erotic thing, unless you get hot and bothered by R/C model planes, not that there’s anything wrong with that. It looks like a primitive-generation Flux Capacitor. That said, the thing works. If, like me, you find the vibration of a Hitachi or Hitachi-style wand overkill, this controller dials it down to just enough kill. Not only does one setting work to tame the savage Hitachi beast, but the other setting also creates this neat vibrato effect. I personally like the vibration change-ups. This little box does that well. I must give the mad, chunky props to this little black box. It won’t make the wand an elegant tool, but it will make it vastly more pleasurable.

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven’t used the nubby attachment things yet because I would have to wash them and, frankly, I can’t be bothered.

Which is to say that this all ends up being a very partial partial review. I admit my reticence to embrace  the Hitachi way of life. I admit my skittishness of humping the pillow. I admit  my gritty envisioning of how the pillow could be beneficial. I admit not having utilized the full array of products. And I admit that the while the Radio-Shack-style box is hella-ugly, it is also hella-useful. If you have a wand and hate it, your opinion will change with this box. I’m confident of it.

So here’s the deal, the good Dr. Buddy is offering a full Buddy Boudoir set for one of my lucky readers. If you want to win the set worth around $200, just email me or leave a comment telling me why you should win the box. Give me something good, something witty, something honest, something erotic, or just some pretty-ass piece of writing, and you might receive a complimentary set of My Buddy products including the confounding pillow, the Lycra cover, the lovely box, the silicone attachments and the wand, delivered in a discreet brown box to his or her address. You could be the lucky, lucky winner.  Just tell me something—anything, but make it clever—by Tuesday next, 11 March.

If you can't wait to win, or don't want to chance it, you can buy My Buddy online here.

Comments

[minstrel boy]

my own treasure and personal favorite (as attested to by many partners) is an old barber's tool. it is a fairly heavy metal box thing that slips over the fingers and rests on the back of the hand. it turns the hand into a vibrator. that's about as crazy as i've ever gotten with appliances. i guess it's just my inner square asserting itself.

[Alessia Brio]

I want. Prettiest of pleases. I want.

[Mischief]

I'd really like the set, if just to see if I could somehow make this experience happen again and somehow make it better, I absolutely would like to.

[Estra]

I second Mischief's comment!

(pretty please?)

[Stephanie]

I've been a reader of Pretty Dumb Things for around a year now, after finally realizing at 30 that I was infinitely more kinky than my husband. Your website has been a daily read for me since I stumbled across it in my search for sex-positive blogs. One year later I can say without a trace of shame that I like anal sex, among other things. I recently left my husband, and while I am happier for it, I am lacking a little something in the satisfaction department. If I were to win the prize, I'd make good use of it. I happen to be impatient with my orgasms, so something that got me from 0 to Oh My God in 60 seconds would be a boon.

[chelsea g]

Would that I had several to give away, I'd shower you all with wands. You'd have to duck and cover, though; those things are hard and heavy. They could do some damage.

Thanks for the responses, and you do have a week with which to woo, seduce, dazzle or otherwise convince me.

kissykiss,
chelsea g.

[Lydia]

I have only recently started to use toys. I have an extremely hard time orgasming and I haven't found a vibrator yet that has the punch to push me over the edge. I have only heard good things about the Hitachi, and a few begrudgingly good things from you. As a fairly broke college student I cant justify spending so much money on something so unnecessary. It may not be witty or sexy but it is honest and I hope it will be enough.

[david]

Hermetically sealed????!!!

As for Lydia, do any guys/girls rock your boat?

[Lydia]

Oh, yes!
I meant I mostly have trouble with the solo boat rocking...

[Zoe]

I am a lesbian who owns no sex toys. A friend recently informed that this was "breaking the cardinal rule of lesbianism". I thought that was funny, because I always thought the thing that made me a lesbian was fucking women. But in case my friend is right, I would desperately love to win the wand, so as to prevent them from taking away my membership card, toaster and newsletter.

Thank you for your consideration. I'm also broke, as I work as an AIDS educator for a NGO, which, in honor of our work overseas, pays me what amounts to a living wage in Bolivia.

[badinfluencegirl]

i already think other people should win it more than i but here goes:

if i win i'll review the whole thing

;>

[Selena Kitt]

If it's as good as a "Sybian" maybe I can take down my "please donate" button and all the rest of the erotic romance writing community can get off their high horses about my pimping for one! :P

[Sean]

i doubt that only words will sway you to my cause. so i will tell you a sob story and pull on your heart strings.

my job is about to mildly mutate, leaving my lovely wife and i with much less coincidental time and much more adjoining-timezones time.

it would put such a feather in my cap to be able to give her this as a playmate in my absence.

[femmegyrl]

dearest chelsea girl,

due to chronic health issues - and a more recent fat issue i'm a born again virgin. it's been just beyond 2 years now since i've had partnered sex. i recently met a man who i think i may really like - but i'm afraid that i've permanently lost my orgasm. i mean i used to pop easier than a beer can on a hot summer day - but lately i can't. i just can't make it happen. so i suppose i'm looking for something to practice with, to reach out and find that ever elusive orgasm.

i love your writing, think you are unequivocally brilliant, brazenly honest; and i humbly ask you for that magic wand so that it can work its magic on my lost O.

[Estra]

Sorry for the re-comment, but I forgot something!

If Mischief and I get the Buddy Boudoir set, we would be writing about it and our adventures with it excessively, probably in explicit detail. Not only would we have a lot of fun playing with it, but others (whoever reads our blogs) would also get enjoyment out of reading about our playings. Really, it would be for the good of the sexblogosphere =P

[Summer]

I live alone, I'm still technically married but been separated for several glorious months. My poor, sweet, well loved pocket rocket had an unfortunate accident which has resulted in access limitations which can only be described as... unlikely.

And to top it all off, it wouldn't matter. You see, I, finally recovering from years of illness have developed a problem. My fingers are tender, swollen and stiff. The doctors are playing the odds of rheumatoid arthritis verses weird virus which can cause swelling and stiffness in the fingers. Rare, hard to catch, strange side effects. Which means my fingers are stiff and tender and cannot apply enough pressure to manipulate my delicate girl bits, nor could I hold onto my pocket rocket were it accessible, because it's too thin for my sore fingers to grasp onto. (Pictures of non-closing hands available if proof required.)

All I can hold is something about well.. the size of a broom handle. And goodness, I've always been curious about the things. I've never had a plug in vibrator, and I have always used them for utility. I enjoy sex with a partner, but when I work alone it's to get release and be able to move on to the next thing - be it sleep or my day - so that baby would be ideal. Plus, if I'm picturing what you're picturing doggy style - that could be Fun.

I too struggle with the idea of humping a pillow, but at this point, weeks out from my last orgasm, and no telling when full use of my hands will return... I'm game for trying.

[Scintillio]

Oh my buddy has a first name... it's O... oooo.... oooooo......ooooo

(somehow we never get farther than that using this toy - or that's what I'd like to find out! :) )

hehehehe

Yes I'd like one. Very much. "Sir can I have more please?" from Oliver Twist comes to mind. hehehe

[Lily]

You know, I was going to apply, but hey, I have the hitachi (which I love) and a partner to apply it! (I love my partner too). It's very sweet of you to pass it on and I hope it goes to someone who is in more need than me ^_^
-Lily