on orgies, amusement parks, and cheese

I myself have never been to an orgy. I have also never been to an amusement park. Sure, I’ve had the odd threesome here or there, and, yes, I’ve ridden the Cyclone at Coney Island and the Zipper and some Ferris Wheels at state fairs, but both the full-on and complete climactic experience of an orgy or an amusement park—or, for that matter, the trifecta of an orgy at an amusement park—eludes me.

Orgies and amusement parks have a lot in common, when you stop to think about it, and I have. First and foremost, both orgies and amusement parks hold implicit in them a big, shiny blank check for fun. There’s not much of a reason to habituate either orgies or amusement parks if you aren’t willing to give in to the pleasure of the experience. I suppose one could go to study either venue, and in a cold and calculating way, dissect the experience into small and analyzable bits, but I suspect that one would find one’s self being sucked into the whirling vortex of fun that both orgies and amusement parks presumably provide. Those blinking lights can be mesmerizing even to the most stalwart intellectual.

The fun of both orgies and amusement parks is primarily somatic. In essence, diving into the wet pool of group sex and strapping yourself into a padded seat to take on a few G’s are both experiments in the physical extreme. They’re like parties for the bodies; whatever pleasure the mind registers—and in both settings the psychological pleasure is probably in excess and relatively unnoticed—gets overshadowed by the fleshy fun. Intrinsic to both is the inextricability of the risk from the thrill: You simply can't have one without the other. To manage that thrill/fear dynamic, both orgies and amusement parks often have themes, restrictions and rules: You must be this tall to ride! No single men! Hands must remain inside! Creative black tie!

And both orgies and amusement parks come with a specific passel of expectations on the parts of both the participants and the organizers. There’s a code of behavior required for both that is largely unspoken and includes a fair portion of patience, uncommon civility and a clear restraint from puking. Puke doesn’t go over well at either orgy or amusement park, though I have to imagine that it happens at both. After all, there’s so much jostling going on, so many strange things being slurped down willing and possibly unpracticed throats, and so much nervous energy.

I’ve been invited to both amusement parks and orgies, however separately. I have friends who are enthusiastic aficionados of each, and even some who are aficionados of both. My friends’ invitations have felt largely empty, like they were being curiously polite, and neither invested in my attending nor unwilling to accompany me were I to take them up on their kind offers. As yet, I have not given much more than a non-committal assent, like, sure, some time, I’d love to ride the [insert name of super-roller coaster or man here]. And let it lay.

See, I have  a few reservations about actually going to an orgy or an amusement park, even as much as both intrigue me, and they do. In the Venn diagram of reservations, some overlap; others do not. And all of my reservations stem from prior experience with orgies and amusement parks, some actual and some cinematic.

When I think about amusement parks, I feel a fear of puking. I have a history of public puking in general, and puking on park rides in specific, and as much as my friends assure me that today’s roller coasters bear little resemblance to the Zipper, I fear the hurl. I don’t so much fear upchucking at orgies, though now that I’ve considered it, I probably will.

I fear my body at orgies. More specifically, and to borrow from Groucho Marx, I fear that the orgy I’d like to have wouldn’t have me. Unfortunately, I’ve been scarred by my past with orgies. I once attended a sex party with my friend Becky Sue, and short of getting my toes sucked and penning a haiku about the experience, I have nothing good to say about it. It was the lamest party ever. They had cheese cubes. In Manhattan. I don’t think I want to party with people whose idea of hors d’oeuvres include cubes of cheddar. Call me elitist, but I like my cheese in block form, especially at sex parties.

I was additionally damaged by two cinematic representations of orgies. One was this documentary called, I think, The Lifestyle. It focused on a horde of late-middle-age swingers fucking on plastic tarps and in hot tubs, inexplicably and continually surrounded by crock pots of melted cheese goo. In one particular scene, one balding gentleman shouted encouragement to a friend who was busily fucking this fifty-ish woman in a swing.

“Give ‘er hell, Harry,” he shouted as his friend pumped away. I fear sex talk that surrounds our thirty-third president, even if he was a democrat.

The other cinematic orgy that has stricken fear in my nethers comes from the television show Nip/Tuck. I am simply not beautiful enough to attend that orgy. I have far too Renaissance a figure. I would have to train to go to that orgy, which is something I could see myself doing. I’d be at a dinner party. No, thank you, no brie en croute for me, I’d say, I’m in training, for an orgy. And then, when the orgy date arrived, I’d still be worried that I’m not in top orgy form. I’d be all like, do you think they’ll let me come if my ass is over 36”? Are my thighs too fat for this orgy? What do you think? And then crushed in paroxysms of  dysmorphic anxiety, I’d forget how to orgasm.

But if there were an orgy that was as good as the orgy inside my head, an orgy good enough to make me open up and take the ride, it would be in Paris. It would be this orgy, I’m sure. If they would have me. I feel secure that at this orgie en français, I wouldn’t have to fear the cheese cubes, though I might have to fear the language. Those French, they have a different word for everything.  Yes, I might like my first orgy to take place in Paris.

But no force in the ‘verse will ever get me to go to Euro Disney.

Comments

[Caliban]

Ok, but if you're ever in Tokyo, I highly recommend going to Disney Sea (after you've had your fill of checking out Harajuku girls and Lolita Goths). It's the only park not owned by the Disney corporation, and you'll be hard pressed to find pictures of it online. In fact, I suspect a conspiracy. There's hardly any merch that can be bought in the park that references the park directly . . . and no postcards or pictures of any kind. Still, it is tremendous. There is a Jules Verne section that is quite literally like entering Jeunet's set for "City of Lost Children" . . . and that's a good thing for me. And I'm not a Disney guy. So, if you ever go to an amusement park, let this be the one. Having an orgy there would be utterly fantastical.

Oh and there's a larger-than-life animatronic camel that does a street show. Completely astounding. The place cost 5 BILLion dollars and has a volcano that erupts several times per day. Some of the environments you have to go through as you're standing in line for rides are even better than the rides.

Anyway, there's my plug. As for cheese, make mine a tomme de savoie. No cubes.

[Eve]

This post is well timed as I am attending an "orgy" on Saturday in NYC. Maybe not an orgy. A sex party. Is there a limit to the number of people in attendance that takes it from orgy status to sex party? What would 150 make it? A sex party, I'm sure.

I've been to one of these particular parties before and in fact had a terrific time. Late forty-something body and all. There were, at this party, all kinds of bodies. Some sleek, some not so sleek, some WAY not so sleek. It mattered not at all. There was, of course, lots of sex. There was also lots of dancing and playing and spanking and just general, sexually playful fun. A very open and receptive atmosphere.

And, there were no cheese cubes.

Eve

P.S. - if you have an inkling to go, now or in the future, let me know.

[Lori S.]

We always pre-cut our sex party cheese into cubes or slices because a) it was already accessible, and b) otherwise, the knives always got lost -- and that, at a sex party, is a scary thought. But these were *big* sex parties.

[S.P.]

Yeah, and standing in line in the heat with other people around you complaining gets old, too... in either scenario!

[ajooja]

Like you, I've had a few threesomes but never taken part in an orgy. I probably have a greater desire than you but I'm just as wary. I'm really picky when it comes to sex. I can't just jump into a pile and lick this, suck this, fuck that. Just not my thing.

[b]

Hi Chelsea,

I never thought this topic would come up, but I have something to contribute. I was in Paris for my 37th birthday in 2005, and I met a gentleman (an orchestra conductor) where I was dining alone, and over drinks later on he told me all about the sex clubs of Paris. Naturally, I was intrigued as he spoke of refinement and elegance and mystery. Craving a state-of-the-art birthday adventure, I agreed to let him take me to a nice one, so we hopped in a cab and went in search of the best Paris sex club we could find on that Monday night. Handily, this guy knew of several. I recognized the description of Les Chandelles in the post you linked to. We stopped in there, but we found it to be a bit dead and pretty cheezey-looking with all the red fabric and glitz. The second club was similar, but the third place was just right - a total fantasy: a maze of cavern-like stone-walled rooms and tiny white pins of light everywhere. Hardly any red. I found the website for you just now. I didn't do anything hard core there myself that night, and I'm not comfortable sharing more with you here, but it was certainly an unforgettable experience, and not crass or offensive. Everyone was well dressed and respectful, the atmosphere charged and almost hushed, no loud music. All ended safely for me; the conductor was true to his word and a gentleman.

So, if you were to ever go to a sex club, I think it should be this one: Pluriel. They conveniently have video tours on their website. Until just now, I didn't even know there were more than 2 levels to the place. I completely missed the dance floor and other... well, amenities!

http://www.plurielclub.com/

[Orv]

Back in the day, I was a major amusement park afficionado. Sort of lost interest about the time I stopped doing acid. Amusement parks on dangerous amounts of acid are really really cool. Straight, not so much.

On the orgy side, me, I saw the same documentary, with the crowd cheering Harry on, and it put a serious ick factor into any future imaginings of orgies. I mean it wasn't just that "if that is an orgy, count me out" thought, but a disgusting contamination of all my orgy fantasies thereafter. The cheese was the least of it, though it makes a pretty good symbol for the very evident joylessness.

[Chad]

If you ever do go to an orgy in France, you could always adopt a French accent.

[chelsea g]

Sure, because everyone knows that Inspector Clouseau got mad phat orgy action.

kissykiss,
chelsea g.

[minstrel boy]

only one orgy that was on purpose. it was kind of boring. we had a few that simply happened back at the hotel while on the road. they were the most interesting. theme parks tend to suck, i got fired from a gig at disneyland and i still hold a grudge.

[debauchette]

I'm interested in checking out that Pluriel Club recommended here by 'b'. I'm sorry I won't have time on this trip. Next time...

I expected the decor at Les Chandelles to be much worse - I was sent a few photos and they were pretty kitschy. But when I arrived, it wasn't anything like what I'd seen, with none of that bordello-red (though the restaurant was a little vampy), so I wouldn't be surprised if they'd decided to tone it down. Or maybe they just dimmed the lights.

And language is no problem. Vocal inflection is enough, I think. And the occasional hand gesture.

[Selena Kitt]

I spent my first honeymoon in Disney World. We got married at eighteen... weren't even old enough to rent a car!

[Innocent Loverboy]

Disneyland Paris. Not Euro-Disney any more. ;)

And it's not that bad... as long as you stay the fuck in your hotel, enjoy the free Continental breakfast, and don't go near any of the rides except Big Thunder Mountain.

[Karl Elvis]

You know, I've spent a lotta time at amusement parts. And aside from the recent trend of wall-to-wall tasty goth girls at Disneyland, there's just not a lot about said park that says orgy

But you do have something there, if only conceptually. I think this calls for more research.

I'm thinking if I can get enough people into the right room...

[Richard]

with all due respect, http://debauchette.wordpress.com/
31 Jan 2008 1 and 2

[badinfluencegirl]

wow. yes.

i went to one with my current but we had only had sex ourselves that very day so we chose not to participate. we've since chosen monogamy so haven't seen any reason to go back but anyway.

it was a potluck sex party and the food was freaking awesome. everyone had to volunteer (i did a pelvic floor and breath re sex workshop) and there were massages and tarot and it was clean and there were condoms and various lubes everywhere. there was a little performance to start and then introductions (name, orientation, preferences, rules) then a group game where we (don't laugh) practiced saying yes and no and asking for things that we wanted and yeah anyway.

it was organized by a woman too, it's a theme. there were bodies everywhere and they were all ages and all shapes and people really respected each other's limits and wishes and it was great.

and there were no cheese cubes. i think it's about respecting the person that invites you enough to trust their preferences?