a pervert's guide to good grammar: part 1, commas

I am not in a minority about this matter: I find good grammar sexy. There’s something about a properly honed turn of phrase that can make me a bit damp around the lacy bits, sometimes even if the sentiment expressed is profoundly lacking in apparent sensuality. Grammar, you see, is nothing more than a set of rules that order discourse, and in that way, it’s just a slender shade away from other human endeavors bounded by agreed-upon rules. Like tango, say, or BDSM.

Because I do love rules as much as I love breaking them, and because I love knowing the difference between ignorance and style even more than I love breaking rules—and that does mean something, I present to you the first in a hott, hott grammar series.

A Pervert’s Guide to Commas:

All punctuation shows an explicit relationship between ideas. Sometimes, as with a period, the idea comes to a full declarative stop when the sentence ends. Other times, as with an exclamation point or a question mark, the punctuation indicates not merely that the idea has ended, but that it has done so with a specific emotional marker—quizzicality on the part of the question mark, and surprise on the side of the exclamation point.

Commas also show a relationship between ideas, but rather than being the definitive end that a period, exclamation point or question mark provides, commas are rather more subtle. You can, if you want, think of those ending marks as an orgasm. The deed is done. Another may be begun. Or it may not. A comma, however, is more like those little somatic susurrations that flicker and twitch, but don’t signify the end. Rather, they show a close and intimate relationship between single words, dependent phrases or whole independent clauses.

Commas are the most useful little things marks known to punctuation. Acting like “cleave,” they are the contranym of the world of punctuation, joining as much as they separate. If you ever were told to insert a comma where you would a breath, take your next vacation to hunt down and punish with furious might that person who instructed you thus. Here are seven simple rules for utilizing commas correctly.

Commas do a few things:   
1. They separate items in a series:
Viviane can’t live without her Palm Pilot, bottle of  Pjur, Twisted Monk ropes, and her lapsang souchong.

2. They separate coordinate adjectives:
That big, oafish, impolitic close-talker always spoils Always Aroused Girl’s orgasms.

You know what you’ve got are a bunch of coordinate adjectives when you can mix up the order and the sentence still makes sense. Another test is to put the word “and” in between each of the separate adjectives; if you do, and the sentence still means something, you’ve got a handful of coordinate adjectives.

Commas, however, don’t separate cumulative adjectives:
Lolita loves nothing as much as a gooey three-layer white chocolate truffle bukkake.

Unlike coordinate adjectives, cumulative adjectives build on each other. Therefore you can’t mess with the order because if you do, you’ve got yourself a word salad, and not in the good “tossed salad” kind of way.

3. Commas set off introductory clauses:
However much he tries, Jefferson can’t quite blow himself.

You can tell an introductory clause because it almost always begins with a preposition. Some very popular examples are “after,” “under,” “when,” and “above,” but there are lots others. Use ‘em all! Trade ‘em with your friends! Unlike silicone toys, you don’t have to boil introductory clauses between uses.

4. Commas separate independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction:
Selina loves pegging Martin, and she doesn’t care who knows.

Your seven coordinating conjunctions are and, or, for, nor, so, yet, but. These are magic words. These are the only words that can join independent clauses—phrases that can stand alone as a sentence—with a comma. Every other word, even words like “therefore” or “however” that mean the same thing as one of the magic seven, cannot. You almost always need a comma between two independent clauses joined by one of your magic seven. The only exception to this rule—and there are always exceptions, just as when your Mistress lets you come on her boots even though you haven’t asked her politely—is when the two sentences are so short and so connected that there is no chance of misreading. Here’s an example:
Debauchette loves texting and she loves texting for sex.   

Commas do not, however, separate compound verb phrases:
A slave to her master’s whims, Puppygirl loves his carrot but hates his whip.

5. They set off non-restrictive elements in a sentence:
A man was on the bed.  The man, who was markedly tumescent, waved at me.

But they don’t set off restrictive elements in a sentence:
Two men were on the bed.  The man who markedly tumescent waved at me.

Here’s the rule of thumb: a restrictive clause restricts or limits the meaning of a sentence. It’s like a tie that holds the sentence’s meaning in place. If you remove the clause, the sentence stops making sense. A non-restrictive clause isn’t necessary for the sentence to make sense. That’s why though the two examples above are nearly identical, only the first one where there is only one man needs the commas. Take the phrase “who was markedly tumescent” out of the sentence and we still know who waved at me. Do the same to the second example, and we’re lost. We don’t even know if the man who waved at me was on the bed.

An appositive, or a renaming, can work as a restrictive or a non-restrictive clause. For example, if there’s absolutely no chance of confusion, the appositive is non-restrictive and gets commas:
A self-professed enthusiastic fellator, Madeline nonetheless licks pussy with gusto.

There’s no chance that we’re going to misread “a self-professed enthusiastic fellator,” so we separate the appositive from Madeline. However, if there is a possibility of misconstrual, we don’t, to wit:
Tony Comstock’s film Damon and Hunter makes me wish I had a cock.

Because Tony has several films, most of which feature at least one cock, commas bracketing the title “Damon and Hunter” would make no sense.

6. Commas set off participial phrases:
“Bukkake” is a funny word, causing suppressed giggles at ookie cookie parties around the globe.

A participial phrase is a dependent verb phrase that acts as a description, rather than providing action. Participial phrases are almost always non-restrictive. They’re like the verb spice on the sentence, the rabbit hair on the switch side of the paddle, the ice cube in the ass of syntax.

7. Commas set off phrases marked by a subordinating conjunction.
Once upon a time, Marcelle Manhattan had no idea she liked to pee on things, although she is profoundly grateful for the revelation.

Now fortified by some hott, hott syntactical erudition, go out and show that text who's boss. It's not karma; it's comma. Make that sentence your squealing bitch.

Comments

[maymay]

Knowing the rules makes breaking them so much hotter.

[lynn]

Oh Dear God. Grammar is my g-spot, and you really got it. Don't you think the book, "Eats Shoots and Leaves" was about a noontime quickie?

Regarding your final example for point 5, I must say that I'd prefer the rendition, "Tony Comstock’s film, Damon and Hunter, makes me wish I had a cock." Damon and Hunter are full of gusto and stand at the center of their own lusty lives. For my money, however, they're still parenthetical. I would set them off with commas, because it's all about Tony's film. It makes me wish I had a cock!

Love from your sister in syntax.

[aag]

However much he tries, Jefferson can’t quite blow himself.

Really? Huh. I woulda thought he of all people could do so.

[Viviane]

No, I can't!!

Oh I almost sprayed water on the keyboard when I read the examples. Fecking brilliant.

[badinfluencegirl]

and now i love your blog even more

even more!!

look mom no commas!

(or should i say 'look mom, no commas!')

awesome miss chelsea
simply awesome

is it wrong that i'm jealous of those featured in your sentence examples?

[Calico]

This is the hottest thing I have read all week! Can we dare to hope this is the beginning of a series?

[Samantha]

Best idea ever! You certainly can't go wrong with good grammar and sex!

[Autumn]

This should be the most interesting and enticing grammar guide ever.

Thank you. Commas are something I've always had problems with. I eagerly await colons and semicommas.

[Autumn]

Commas were always hard for me to wrap my head around. I think I need to graph sentence structures again to get it straightened out. This, however, was a huge help. Thank you.

I was taught the "put a comma where you'd breath" rule. Thank you for telling me to toss it.

I am eagerly looking forward to the next one of these - colons and semicommas maybe?

[Alana]

I used to tell my writing students, you can't break rules until you understand what the rules are. Therefore, no comma splices until you demonstrate you know what a comma splice is. :-)

Peace,
A

[drea]

I love this! You need to write a grammar book for adults! Honestly, I'm 48 and never really had any grammar in school when I was growing up...the 60's and all that. So how about it? I would love it. Start pitchin' gf!

[Bad Man]

How to get me to pay attention to grammar. In one easy step. Fantastic stuff.

[Karl Friedrich Gauss]

"Comma comma comma comma come on
yeah, yeah, yeah..."
- from Candyman by James Taylor

Yeah baby, what I'd like to know grammatically speaking, is whether you find any really good use for a semicolon. Personally I find I never use it. But maybe I'm missing out on something.

And the dashes of various lengths, the hyphen, the en dash and the em dash. I have a tendency to use the em dash (that's the longer one) with a space on each end, but I have a feeling some people think that with an em dash there should be no such spaces. What say you? -Karl

PS I can imagine some college prof appropriating your work to spice up his English class.

[ajooja]

I make my living with words but I just glaze over when people start talking about grammar rules. I have a copy editor to make up for what I don't catch.

My grammar originated with my mother's speech and were honed by editors and the AP Stylebook. I'm far from perfect but I surround myself with people who can walk the talk.

Of course, sometimes I just do what I want, no matter what the rules say I should do.

[Prince of Darfur]

I--for reasons too numerous to go into right now, given the limited amount of space in this Comments box, which seems designed to encourage brevity--am attracted to women who know the different between a hyphen, en dash, and em dash. Serial commas inside subordinate clauses turn me off, but when they appear at the end of sentences--that's another matter. A well-placed semi-colon is like a soft kiss. "All punctuation shows an explicit relationship between ideas" is true, but punctuation has another, just as important purpose: It tells the reader when to breath. A period is also a mark that says, "Breath here." A comma says, "Breathing here is optional."

[Sickman]

This was so helpful. I would not say that good grammer turns me on, but bad grammer and a lack of a spell-check sure is enough to make me quit a story halfway through.

So, would semi-colons be next?

[Mika Cooper]

I LOVE your examples! When I was a professor of English, I also always made an effort to create examples of proper usage that would delight as well as instruct, though I rarely had the opportunity to circulate any as deliciously racy as yours. Someone writing for an audience like yours has such a delightful leeway! I did once have a student pursuing an independent study with me in erotic writing to whom I assigned unpunctuated passages of de Sade to illuminate with commas, an assignment leading to much hilarity, as you might imagine.

My loving your examples, however, does not preclude my offering an amendment to one of your claims, specifically the one asserting that participial phrases are "almost always nonrestrictive." Anyone reading this comment could find about ten participial phrases confounding that view.

Of course, a long string of sentences relying on nonrestrictive participial phrases can sound stilted and, frankly, awful!

By the way, the commenter offering the opinion that "Damon and Hunter" should be set off from the sentence by commas is wrong, in my view, except in some very particular circumstances.

Thanks for the lovely writing! xo

[juliett rowe]

My God, I wish I could have had these examples back in high school!

j.

[Marcelle Manhattan]

Oh, Chelsea, I love it! If only I'd had this in my arsenal when I was teaching freshman English ... instead I had to make do with sentences about the Boston Red Sox. Bukkake, porn and watersports? Way better.

chelsea girl, from one perv dork queen to another: you rule.

xo

btw, for what it's worth, i'm casting my vote for commas on either side of damon and hunter...oh wait, maybe i just want to be on either side of damon and hunter.

[Isaak]

I've got a question about this sentence "Viviane can’t live without her Palm Pilot, bottle of Pjur, Twisted Monk ropes, and her lapsang souchong.". Why does there have to be a comma after ropes if there is an and acting as a seperator already? Great post though. I've always had problems with commas in English since I can't just apply the German rules ;)

[lynn]

Isaak, the serial comma should be used whenever there's a series of three or more terms. The rule is that when there's just one conjunction, you should use the comma after every term in the series (except the last one). "And" is the conjunction, not a separator. I expect that it's hard work holding on to all of Viviane's accoutrements. That little "and" might give out without the benefit of a comma to signal that the list is almost finished!

I disagree with Mika, but I'm hoping that Damon and Hunter (that parenthetical pair) will weigh in personally regarding their preferences.

[Lia]

Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! You make grammar fun!

[Tara Tartly]

oops, sorry, chelsea...my two comments above seem to have somehow decided to post themselves anonymously.
your fellow dork queen,
tara

[peter]

not getting any better, come home quick.
not getting any, better come home quick.

Make this a book for freshmen writing classes. The long suffering doctoral students whose penance for their career choice is to teach these these remedial courses will love you.

For the second edition you may enjoy enlisting college papers in securing from their readership by way of campus-wide competitions appropriately suggestive illustrations to accompany the engaging text.

[Juno Henry]

Am i the only person who, upon reading the following:

"Your seven coordinating conjunctions are and, or, for, nor, so, yet, but. "

...thought of George Carlin?

"The original seven words were....."

[fan11111]

Much appreciation for the lessons. I learned much on a subject whichI have always avoided (think 'rules'.) Probly 'cuz it was so much fun!
p.s. Is my period placed correctly inside the parenthesis?

[Jefferson]

Sadly, I can not blow myself.

Though on a positive note, if I could suck my own dick, I wouldn't have met any of you people.

[Marianne]

Not only do I agree with Samantha about good sex and grammar (comma) but I can't imagine good sex without good grammar (full stop)

[ajooja]

I went back to look at the comments in this post and realized I made really horrible grammar mistake. Is that ironic? I need a lesson on that one too. :)