on the evil proliferation of comedy and pearl necklaces

I admit that I have a love/hate relationship with Jezebel, the visible lady parts of Gawker media. I have absolutely adored some of their posts, such as the LOLVogue series that puts I-Can-Has-Cheezburger-style captions to Vogue shoots, and I’ve been entertained by their self-explanatory crap email from a dude series, being that I’ve been the recipient of more than one crap email from a dude myself. Sometimes the site informs me about serious stories too, like Jezebel’s frequently updated coverage of the Jamie Leigh Jones/Halliburton rape scandal. Actually, Jezebel is pretty tops on rape. Kudos to that.

And yet, as much as I love to love about Jezebel, and there’s a lot, I have to admit that it really angers me when I read a story like yesterday’s post “How About You Don’t Ask to Come on My Face on the First Date,” filed under their subject heading “How Porn Ruined Sex.” The story, as the headline would lead you to believe, is about how a bunch of women have felt appalled by their dates’ sexual requests, including the titular face-coming. “Ewwww!” exclaims Moe, the writer of the post, in empathy to these women's spoogy travails.

In the piece, Moe gives a couple anecdotes of friends, provides a couple of her own, and informally polls the Jezebel staff, one of whom avers that men “don't think sex is 'good' unless it's somehow fetish-y.” Moe concludes by chalking the whole messy and distasteful kit and caboodle up to the evils of porn: “We all know it is true: porn is doing to sex what scotch is doing to your liver. And I mean, it makes sense! It's so easy to get, and so perfect for the beaten-down and emotionally unavailable! But seriously, it has to stop. That's all,” ends the post.

Reading knee-jerk reactions to porn like this one, or hearing them uttered on television or in casual conversation, always brings to my mind the Dick Cavett quote. “There’s so much comedy on television,” he said, “Does that cause comedy in the streets?” I have to wonder, if watching porn is so unquestioningly behavior changing, then why isn’t watching home improvement shows? Or football? Or cooking shows? A lot of men are cooking on television these days, and a lot of men are watching other men cook on television. So where’s my man-cooked meal? I’m frankly really rather hungry.

I’m troubled by facile associations between porn and badness, and yet I’m not going to be the first person to champion porn as unequivocally good either. I think that there are questions inherent to the hot-and-cold running porntastic world that we currently live in, but I’m not convinced that those problems are, as Jezebel suggests, along the lines of “how the proliferation of porn is forcing women to do ‘things they don't want to do’ in bed.” It seems to me that one thing that media outlets like Jezebel should be teaching is that women—and men—have the right to just say no to things that make them go “Ewww!” And likewise men—and women—have the right to request those things, even on a first date.

But beyond the dicey question of whether porn is good or bad—a proposition that seems to me to rest firmly in false dilemma territory, wherein either answer gives you a bona fide logical fallacy—is the way that Jezebel doesn’t seem to even question that there are women who like to have their face spooged upon. Or that there are women who want to be spanked, another sexual request to which a woman in the story reluctantly agrees. Or that there seems to be much room for women to maneuver in the territory beyond straight-up vanilla sex, the land that does twist and turn in tortuous kinkiness, the land that Moe would undoubtedly term “pornified.”

I happen to love vanilla sex. I also happen to love being tied up, spooged upon, spanked, folded, bent, spindled and mildly mutilated, not necessarily in that order. I like a lot of sex acts that would appear in your average mainstream streaming porn, and I like to fantasize about acts that would land squarely under the heading of “specialty.” I don’t need to be told by a feminist-friendly site like Jezebel that what I like should be banished to the outré world of the “fetish-y,” nor do I need to have it implied that I like what I like only because I’ve fallen victim to the evils of the porn industry. I will have a pearl necklace, and I'll enjoy it.

My liver—and my sex life—are both very healthy, thank you very much, Jezebel. Now why don’t you take your judgment and put it some place that deserves it. Like at the doorsteps of Halliburton. They’re the evil empire, not the porn industry.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

But beyond the dicey question of whether porn is good or bad—a proposition that seems to me to rest firmly in false dilemma territory, wherein either answer gives you a bona fide logical fallacy—is the way that Jezebel doesn’t seem to even question that there are women who like to have their face spooged upon. Or that there are women who want to be spanked, another sexual request to which a woman in the story reluctantly agrees. Or that there seems to be much room for women to maneuver in the territory beyond straight-up vanilla sex, the land that does twist and turn in tortuous kinkiness, the land that Moe would undoubtedly term “pornified.”

This is the kind of thinking that gives me a sharp pain behind my left eye.

There are a lot of things about porn that I'd fix if I were queen of the world. The first thing would be making it *more* accessible to women, not eliminating it, for god's sake.

I am so tired of the brand of feminism that views all women as perpetual victims at the feet of men, and the Male Dominated Culture (as if 51% of the population has had no input into our modern culture). This brand of feminism is not only *boring*, it's *insulting*. I give as good as I get, thank you very much, now go save the environment or help labortory animals who are helpless to protect themselves or something.

I could go on but the pain behind my left eye is getting worse.

Thanks for this post.

E

[sparkles anon]

Ach - AMEN!!! Thank you for pointing this out. I, too, love a lot about Jezebel, but the prudishness that comes through every so often just drives me crazy. Hello, I'm a feminist, I'm liberated, and I love S&M. I see nothing inconsistent with that.

[badinfluencegirl]

word

i know a few women who love to have their hair filled with spooge, me? not so much. i do (however) love to be penetrated with a toy in my bottom and a penis in my vagina.... but not on a first date.

i wish people would stop assuming that their personal belief system around sex (or religion for that matter) is the 'one true way' and that everyone else is 'wrong.'

it's just silly. nice post miss.

[mossum]

"i wish people would stop assuming that their personal belief system around sex (or religion for that matter) is the 'one true way' and that everyone else is 'wrong.'"

Here here! I second THAT emotion!

[PMG]

There was a similar post--slightly less annoying, but annoying nevertheless--by one of the guest bloggers at Bitch PhD recently: http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2007/12/pornography-exercise.html

[Calico]

A-fuckin'-men!

What if I ask for it on the first date? Because knowing then saves me a lot of heartache down the road when he won't fuck me in the ass/come on my face/tie me up and slap me/[insert favorite "porny" sex act here].

Reading comments on Jezebel makes me think the problem is not that men want facials, but the fact that men are springing it without permission on women who don't want them. That's gross and nonconsensual in anyone's book. Would it be so bad to talk a little about sex beforehand?

[Eve]

If I'm going to blame porn for anything it's the perfect female form depicted (and of course, not all porn has the perfect female form, but mainstream porn generally does). This creates an expectation, and then ultimately disappointment, for everyone. Not just the one who didn't get Katie Morgan when he unwrapped his new package, but for the woman as well when his disappointment is blatant.

I'd like to add, too, that I admit blaming "porn" is rather a vague accusation. We're talking about a genre, a concept, some might say an art form, not actual people. Who's the enemy? Just the people who create the product? What about the people who then consume the product? Are they really innocent victims of a big bad industry? I think not.

Just my humble opinion.

Eve

[Prince of Darfur]

Putting aside the question of prudery, this does touch on a very interesting topic -- how porn has changed people's sexual practices. I think porn has had a beneficial, liberating effect on sexual practices. More people experiment with anal and oral sex having seen these practices demonstrated to them in the porn they view (and can get easily) on the Internet.

In Updike's "Rabbit Run" (published in 1960), main character Harry Angstrom forces his wife to submit to a blowjob after he finds out she has had an affair with another man. The act is portrayed as extremely degrading. No author would write about it as such today.

That said, the "cum on your face" act -- now a cliche ending of porn films in much the same way that a loud credenzo ends so many symphonies -- falls in the S and M category in my opionin because it plays at humiliation and submission. It's not something to do unless you know your partner well. However, I wonder how many men after viewing it in porn films now consider it a standard sexual practice.

[Susan]

If, like the girls at Jezebel, I was 25 and had had a ton of bad sex with guys who grew up on porn and thought it taught them what women liked because, according to some of my acquaintances this is exactly the case), I'd be pissed off, too. Just sayin'.

[Paul Davis]

The Prince of Darfur writes: "[oral sex] is portrayed as extremely degrading. No author would write about it as such today." Well, hmmm, from my casual survey of online "erotica", this is still a very common meme. Forcing a woman to take a man's penis in her mouth appears to still have huge overtones of power and degradation, even if the same act can also be done with love. Notice that the key word there is probably "force". Forcing a woman to iron his shirts gets into pretty much the same territory, but without the shame still associated with sex.

[bryce]

I have to admit that my habitual sympathy for feminist movement would normally find me in agreement with the post you critique. however, you make your point well and clearly. i feel embarrassed for not having interrogated my judgments on this kind of thing before.

[VJ]

Thanks for this CG & the links. Very amusing. And of course like Dick Cavett says, it's been happening for a very long time. Not just since the advent of film some 100 YO, or the introduction of 'cheap photography', a bit before that. Because you CAN easily find really filthy, deliciously degrading & highly amusing porn that Pre-Dates Both, by oh, another 100 years or so. (Always with the Nuns for some reason too). So porn, much like mass marketed comedy has been with us and affecting our behavior & influencing our views of sexuality for well over 100 years or more.

Yes, it's gotten wildly more ubiquitous and there's simply more of it on a tonnage basis. Yes, it's much easier to obtain and it need not involve you ever leaving home. (There's some obvious Advantages as well as disadvantages to this). But bad form is bad form, and poor etiquette and lack of empathy on a date is not to be blamed on porn. Perhaps a poor or a sad lack of imagination. Inexperience certainly. But the 'horrors' here are indeed farcical compared to real issues like sexual violence or even violence against women in every society we know of. Which almost certainly predates porno by a bit too.

So fear not the 'misplaced' splooge. Do be wary of anyone free & easy with their fists if this is unwanted & unneeded & undesirable. Do rightly fear STD's & STI's. They're rampant and quite dangerous. You're probably much more likely to be negatively affected by the implications of any of these issues than by anyone raining down their affections on your face. And hey, we've not even mentioned those lovely 'water sports' fans. And it gets kinkier from there, right?

Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

[C]

I think the analogy is not so much scotch::liver but maybe something more like red wine::heart. I actually agree that the proliferation of porn has changed the way that people view sex - but I think this is true for both men AND women and I think it is a GOOD thing.

As you've said, both sexes might enjoy the full spectrum of sex acts and have the right to refuse/request them even on a first date. It seems to me that mass proliferation of porn has made the "kinkier" sex acts more socially permissible. Familiarity breeds comfort, and seeing those things frequently acted out on the screen makes it easier for both men and women to request them. A potential partner is less likely to be apalled because the act is not unheard of... I think porn has sort of established a new baseline, allowing people to become more creative sexually.

Not that the industry doesn't have its evils, of course, but it has its benefits too. The more I think about it, red wine is a great analogy. Not good in excess, but a little can be very beneficial.

[Sylvanus]

would you prefer I *not* ask?

Or would you prefer I suppress it a while, and then wait till I think you ready to find out I enjoy bukkake, tying you up, and the occasional beating? And should I be on the hook to hope that you will day shyly admit that, yeah, you like anal and you want to be submissive?

There is a basic compatibilty issue here. Do I need "spooging rights" to be happy? Of course not. But do I want to be with someone horrified by the idea? No...and I've made that mistake...and got years-deep in marriage, massively ashamed of my authentic sexuality, before I finally extracted myself. So, if I ask to spray your face, and you are offended, then, truly, that's a win for everybody.

So, let's just be happy that we live in a time where deep-seated incompatibilty can be exposed early, and the converse can be enjoyed promptly.

[donna]

i like the liquor metaphor in that some people can have a few drinks and they're fine. others can't stop. and it becomes drinking for the sake of drinking.

as someone involved in a relationship with a sex addict, i can assure you there's nothing more unarousing than sex that only happens with a porn agenda. stop and think about it: the person you love only gets off thinking of you as a cum dump while replaying scenes in their head from the last anal, bukkake or blowjob porn he saw. it's not that he doesn't love you. but it's compartmentalized somewhere else in his head. for him sex is synonymous wit porn. and 99.9% of porn is about strangers just fucking. it has nothing to do with love or intimacy or relationships.

to have somebody never make love to you, and just fuck you all the time like you're in a porn movie~~ believe me you gotta live this to understand how humiliating, unsexy and unintimate this is. to realize your guy would be getting off in exactly the same way no matter who you were... that's what "porn" really is. porn is impersonal fucking. playacting this once in a while is sexy. as a lifestyle? no.

[Zoe]

The difference between watching porn and watching cooking shows is that most people know very little about what their friends do in bed, and know much more about what they do in the kitchen. I'm not saying all porn is bad or anything, but I think you flippantly dismiss its potential to affect behavior.

[chelsea g]

Look at you, Zoe, all sure you know what your friends had for dinner.... I can only imagine your surprise were you to find out the truth.

And if you read the post carefully, you'll see that I don't flippantly dismiss porn. I do admit that there can be potentially deleterious side effects to watching porn. However, as I also clearly state in the post, what I'm more interested in is not the goodness or badness inherent in porn but the assumptions the post in Jezebel makes.

Now, I'm off to dine on a glass of red wine and some lovely microwave popcorn served with a side dish of left-over collard greens and finished with a couple Christmas cookies.

kissykiss,
chelsea g

[Chesna]

Great work.