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26 September 2007


Curvaceous Dee

Yeesh! I knew there was a reason we got civilly unioned on the front porch, with six people who thought they were coming for lunch roped in as guests and witnesses. No band for us!

xx Dee


The last wedding I was at was DJed by a bridesmaid, some rented speakers, and the iPods of the wedding party. To be fair, it was a grad student wedding. But everyone seemed to have a good time out on the dance floor, and there was no band-hassle.

Al I'm saying is that you could do worse than to pull some strings and find yourself an aspiring DJ who knows his/her stuff.


Okay, so, yeah, I guess you needed to beat me over the head with it, but I assume that Donny popped the question, as it were? A big congratulations to you, then. (Unless I'm horribly, horribly wrong, and you're planning a wedding that hasn't been proposed yet...)

My advice to you is this: If Donny (being a guy) is asked by you (being a girl) what he thinks about some wedding-related item, and he responds thusly, in the tradition of men everywhere...

"I don't care."

...it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he really, really, truly has no opinion on the matter. Men don't go in for subtext that much.

Oooh, I'm just giddy for you. If a 6'2", 220 lb. bearded man nicknamed "Bear" can be giddy, that is...

chelsea g.


In fact he has not "popped" the question. He--and I--both wait for the ring, presumably. I don't know when it's going to happen; I just know it's going to. It's a de facto proposal, but I still want it.

And, yeah, I can read my man's reactions, thanks. I know indifference when I see it. I also can't believe he doesn't want walruses at his nuptials, but his ways are different from mine, and love means not always getting your way, even with sea mammals.

chelsea g


No walruses?


That boy needs to be slapped upside the head and told to get with the program.


I wanna be a bridesmaid. How about a troop of blogger-girl bridesmaids?



I heartily approve of the cockring/napkin holder/favor scheme. May I also suggest nipple clamps as place card holders?


Meh, don't listen to the "military industrial wedding complex", as I like to call it.

But hey, let's go do the Bridal Building one Saturday!



Oh, sister, do I feel your pain. A couple years ago, I too found a man I didn't really entirely believe existed anymore, with whom I found myself having a relationship I didn't really entirely believe existed anymore. Like you, I said yes, yes, holy fucking shit, YES. Like you, I discovered that meant I had to enter what you have so aptly named "a special, special hell."

Here's what I offer you for advice:

1. Plan on things not going perfectly, and dig it.
2. Get someone the two of you really dig to get ordained via the internet to officiate. Work with him/her to write a ceremony that means something to you.
3. Take feedback and help from anyone whose taste you trust, who has also proven themselves consistently to treat you with the kind of respect you like best.
4. Take no feedback or advice you don't like.
5. Build a metaphorical wall around those parts of the wedding that matter most to you and your man. Build that metaphorical wall twelve feet high and six feet thick. Do not let anyone beyond that wall until you open the gates on the day of the wedding. This is where you keep whatever it is that is sacred to you safe from any outside influence, however well-intended or even ultimately useful it might be.
6. Fuck often, well, and happily in the months to come. Go see bands you like as much as you can. Whatever it is that you do for fun, do it a lot.

I wish you all the joy you can get, and may what difficulty will surely come your way be productive and fleeting. As much as I loathed, loathed, loathed wedding planning, somehow we really did end up with pretty much exactly the wedding we wanted. It was no doubt different from the one you'll have in the details, but it was the same as the one you write that you want in its heart: "fun for everyone, even if it all passes me by in a blur. And good food. And some passable music. And maybe a stripper pole on the dance floor. Nothing says “festive” like drunk folk and centrifugal force."

Except we didn't get the pole.




You're braver than I. I too have a de facto proposal. I too wait for the real thing, with the ring and the bended knee. I often remind him "You haven't asked me yet."

But I won't start wedding planning until he does. Although I am ready to. Oh, hell yeah, I am ready to.

Not because I look forward to going through wedding hell again, but because I oh, so want to be his wife.

Congratulations to you. Enjoy!


chelsea g

Thank you for all the solid advice. I suppose that I can now return half of my how-to bridal books now.

And, yeah, Bn'B, it had occurred to me that I might be pressing things forward a bit faster than my man had in mind, but he's very good at telling me when he's not pleased, and so far, he's said nothing but "Ok" to my sallying forth with my plans. Except for the walruses, the dogs, the cockring and the walk-through cake. He's definitely said a big fat nope to all that.

I would like the ring, though. And, you know, soonish.

chelsea g

Marcelle Manhattan

OK, usual rarified comment will now be replaced by emotional mush: this post made me cry! I am that girl right now, who has never once imagined her wedding, who has always cynically scoffed at love and brides and monogamy ... but you sound so happy and so real, that it actually got through to the romantic side that is buried deeply under all the scar tissue and the over-intellectualization. I wish you all the best!!!!!!!

Prince of Darfur

My advice to you: elope. These frou-frou weddings are meant for people in their twenties, not middle-age people. Why do you want an elaborate wedding?

And if you elope, the chances of the groom getting cold feet diminish considerably....


I know what you mean, about the soonish. So, honey, if you're reading this...





Ahhh... That special hell of wedding planning. My best friend still tells me that was the worst year and a half of his life.

I can't tell you much, as I spent most of the 9 month prior to my wedding sick as all get out, thinking I was going die before the damn day came. That said, it was a lovely day aside from the whole groom-seeing-me-before-the-appointed-time thing which left me weeping in the make up place on my photographer's shoulder.

Make it about what YOU two want. Find a way to do it so that the family doesn't realize how crazy you are, but do it. Write the ceremony yourself (or steal pieces you like from others). Be prepared for all the little problems that will come up, find a way to avoid or solve most of them, and don't worry about the rest. And make sure you both turn your cell phones off. *cough*

Above all else, make the reception as laid back as possible, and do yourself a huge favor and spend time with people other then your husband. You will have forever with him - which is awesome - but you will have only that one party to celebrate your marriage with others (until you hit a big ol' fat numbered anniversary) so celebrate it up. Enjoy the tears your mother cries, the knowing smiles of your girlfriends. Kiss and hug and dance with as many people as you can. Steal a moment where you sit and look into the eye of every person that's there who is important to you, because you will treasure those memories. Big life events only happen a few times: birth (which you don't remember), graduations, weddings and funerals (which you don't get to be at). Celebrate, rejoice and remember life is good.

And you'll always have happy memories to look back on.

Edgy Mama

Oh, this brings back memories. Practically makes me hyperventilate.

All I can say, is do it the way you want it, then on the big day, take a Xanax and go with the flow.


Two pieces of advice, or rather, things to keep in mind:

1. Oddly enough, a wedding isn't about you. As a deliberately public event, it is about your family and friends, mostly your family, so you will inherently feel imposed upon. The whole public bit is for them, not you, live with it. For example, nobody gets or really cares about your devotion to this or that band, or really wants to hear it, they just want to dance and get laid (weddings being good for that and all). So crap music is in order. And oh yeah, like anything familyish, it ain't gonna be perfect, there will be at least one catastrophe along the way, and at least one relative with a nose out of joint at the end. Wouldn't be a successful wedding otherwise.

2. The reason society makes weddings stressful and nasty, as my father in law told me at the time, is to discourage you from doing it more than once.

Oh, and a freebie for "Donny"

3) The best piece of advice I ever got was from my father in law, past president (deceased) of HASL (Husbands Are a Sorry Lot): the first thing you do, you get out of bed in the morning? Apologize. You may not know what for, but for sure there is something. Be sorry for it, acknowledge your uselessness, and promise to try and do better. I think that while this is biased towards men, it applies to both aliens.


Man, I can't BELIEVE that you are buying into all of this "princess for a day" crap. This ain't "Cinderella," it's YOUR LIFE. The story doesn't end with the wedding, it BEGINS. Trust me. Write up a pre-nup, go get married at the J.P., and have a big party for your friends and family.
By making the wedding a big, stressful, expensive deal, you are focusing your entire relationship with this really nice guy down to this burning hotspot of A DAY. Pleae don't do it.

P.S. I've read every post and I love your writing.


chelsea g.

Well, as it currently looks as if there will not be either a wedding or a marriage, all of this advice is pretty much for naught. Suffice to say that the boyfriend has suddenly found his feet frigid and that I am realizing that I cannot continue dating indefinitely nor can I imagine being engaged infinitely.

It's not looking to be such a great day.

chelsea g



Deep breaths and patience?


All good news CG, I'm with Dee on this one though. We did it for about $500 total, under 25 on a guest list, off the menu at a small local restaurant, with a freshly decorated sheet cake & flowers gotten on the way there. It can & has been done cheaply. I imagine that away from NYC it could go down for 2k, and still look just swell. He's hoping that everything goes well. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'


Darling Bride,

I have only two things to say about this:

1. The wedding tango: Go for it. It's hot.

2. Elopement is a viable option.





Are you all right?



What's goin on, Luvie? You ok? I know I don't comment much but I read and adore your words- which I think you know. So when I see something tiny-huge like the above I have to check in.

You know you've got support here in throws. You're in my thoughts.

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