what's love got to do with it?

This Friday, having some extra money in my bank account, and being struck by a small zigging bolt of inspiration, I marched to the nearest neighborhood purveyor of high-quality sex toys and I purchased a small, intricately knotted leather spanker. It looks a lot like those old-time rug beaters, though the hangtag attached to it informed me that the knot was nautical in origin, though Celtic in look, and was called “Josephine.” Though small, the spanker seemed whippy for its size, and it was undeniably cute.

Later that evening, I told Donny to sit in a chair and close his eyes. I draped my body over his knees, leaned on the window sill in front of me, offering my impertinent ass up and put the spanker in his hand.

“Wow,” he said. “Thanks.” And did nothing. My upturned ass twitched.

I looked at him. Well? I asked.

“Oh. Yeah.” Donny said, and then he swatted my right butt cheek once, announced he was tired and asked if I wanted to watch an episode of the Sopranos.

I let it go. It was only Friday night, we had all Saturday. I could wait fewer than twenty-four hours for the serious spanking and righteous dicking I knew I so richly deserved. I bided my time, held hands with my boyfriend, kissed him good night and looked forward to the morrow that I knew would dawn bright and lustrous with perverse possibility.

When Saturday night arrived, however, the spanker was nowhere to be seen.

“I want to lick your pussy,” Donny told me.

No! No! No! A thousand times no! I wanted to scream. For the love of all things erotic, for the love of sweet Pan on a pita and dear Aphrodite on paximathi, why? Because I knew what was coming. I knew that Donny would kiss me meaningfully on the mouth while haphazardly massaging my right breast, then dive with single-minded purpose to the fragrant lands of my cunt, lick me until I came a single yowling banshee-girl orgasm, and then climb aboard and fuck me until he came loudly in my ear.

This is our sex. Pretty much without variance. And it has been since the time late last summer when Donny learned how to make me come with his mouth. Since that time, we have sex I could plot out in an Excel spreadsheet. Occasionally, we buttfuck. Sometimes, if I take the initiative, if I change it up and throw him the curveball of fellatio, or if I throw a monkey wrench in the works and make the whole conga-train grind to a slow halt, then we’ll do some variation on the theme, but this, this is pretty much it.

And I have tried, I have tried and I have tried to get Donny to hear my complaints. I have mentioned how he used to tie me up and wasn’t that fun, wouldn’t he like a go at the old ropes again? I have said, wow, I really liked it when you dripped me with candle wax, whaddaya think, got a match? I have said, you know, I really enjoy being spanked. How about spanking me? I have insinuated, intimated, directly addressed, queried, said outright and asked point blank. I have done so for almost a year, and for almost a year, I have seen our sex life get more and more firmly entrenched in what I can only term in absolute honesty as a rut.

Saturday, I lost patience, and I kinda sorta, no really, let Donny have it. I told him that I was dissatisfied. I reminded him of the sex we used to have—long, languorous and perverse loops of time and experience where we held each other suspended in passion and occasional pain. I told him that I realized that this kind of sex wasn’t an everyday option, but given how rarely we do fuck, that I needed it to happen more frequently than it had. I told him, in short, that we were in a rut. I told him that I wanted out. Whether I meant the rut or the relationship was intentionally ambiguous.

“Well,” he said, a stricken look on his face, “when I met you and we did all that stuff, I wasn’t in love with you. But now I love you, and…” his voice trailed off.

Which leaves me to wonder. What has love got to do with it? Why now that my boyfriend is in love with me and I with him, now that he takes care of me, now that he’s committed to me, why with all of that, does the nasty need to go away? Why can’t he fuck me like the little whore I used to be (and still am in my mind)? Why must I sacrifice the wild ecstatic pleasures to the domestic delights? Why do I have to lose my lover to gain a partner?

Why can’t I have it all?

Donny and I did fuck that night. He tied me up, elbows to knees, my body turtle-bound and bottom heavy, and me bound and splayed, he first licked me until he came and then he fucked me. It’s a start. Our conversation and our relationship continues. I hope fervently that we can relearn how to be beasty in the bedroom and keep the commitment. It’s a lot less easy than I thought it would be.

Comments

[liese]

oh do i commiserate. good luck, though.

[t'Sade]

Isn't it strange when things you enjoyed just trail off? I've gotten to that point in the last twelve years with my mate. No anal anymore, no strap ons. The fond memories of using dog collars and truck tie downs (with ratcheting action!) have gone by the way. Sex has faded off and none of us gets to play the princess anymore. *pout* Now, it takes a bit of effort to set things on fire again, but sometimes its very much worth it.

[Karl Elvis]

A close-to-my-heart female friend once told me that she'd spent most of her life looking for someone who understood it when she said love me and hurt me (and in fact, i did understand it when she said it, which acounts for a small part of why she and I are as we are, though we've never met).

it seems though, to my surprise, a difficult thing; almost as if it's some mis-wiring of the protective urge that allows one to hurt you because they love you. I do not understand the difficulty; but I suspect that some (and your donny seems to be one such) can be re-trained that love can be expressed with violence, and that it's ok to do so.

All I can say is that the image of you, bottom up, and the spanker in question, makes my mouth water and my hands twitch.

[Caliban]

I have a kinky friend who recently married a wonderful woman, and I wish them the best. However, he has stated that as much as he loves her, he doesn't imagine he can be faithful to her. Why? "Because some of the things I want to I love her too much to do to her." In short, he needs someone to humilate and--even if his wife might enjoy it--he can't bring himself to do it to/for her.

I honestly don't understand why people aren't up front about these things. Or, it may explain why I'm single. My strategy is always to throw out the deep-seated kinky shit first to see if she'll run.

What I DO understand is the need to cause pain to someone I love deeply, and have her need to feel that pain. It makes me squirm.

[M]

Sounds like he is struggling with the love and respect idea in his mind verses unbridled passion of prior times. He is attempting to not be selfish and thus keep you first and foremost(orgasm = good) but that is limiting his ability to surrender to his passion and let it carry him and by extension you back into your rococco couplings. He hasn't reconciled that to love you he needs to be, in proper measure, selfish because love is not only about one.

Good luck CG!

[engrailed]

Wow, great comments above. Just chiming in, I've worked through that dilemma as well, and I'm sure the two of you will get past it because you're talking about it. Don't stop.

[H]

Welcome to my world, once a month same thing no change of style no change in venue, I suppose I'm supposed to be greatful for getting this. Sheesh. Welcome to relationshiphoodidness.

[Orv]

I do find this a little troubling, actually. It's ok to get violent on someone you don't love, but not on someone you do?

Contrary-wise.

Me, I couldn't bring myself to get rough until I had a relationship that had a LOT of trust and communication in place first. I have deeply enjoyed the effect of it on her, but I still find it rather disturbing, in that I was brought up with very strong moral strictures around protecting and never ever ever inflicting violence on women.

Well, good sex pretty much should be disturbing, right?

[tom paine]

You CAN have it all. If in doubt, drop by and TAKE NOTES. We've been proving marriage can be quite hot, white hot and very kinky.

By the same token, I've got to try that candle wax thing. Where is it best to dribble it????

[saratoga]

Sadly, not surprising. This is one reason I prefer alternative lifestyle relationships. I wrote something on this recently.

Getting stuck in a sexual or otherwise rut is one thing that tends not to happen so much in a non-vanilla coupling.

Good for you on the pain toy. Hope you get Donny into it sooner, rather than later. You deserve it.

-saratoga

[Paul Davis]

My problem with this "type of thing" is that I am not entirely sure what the point of the pain part is. I've never heard anyone seriously say that they like the pain as a pure sensation, its always wrapped up with the eroticism of the moment. And if its wrapped up with the eroticism of the moment, then its all too easy to view it as an "extra", and to question why someone needs an "extra" at all. However, I try to remind myself that it has been hard for me to have much affection for non-orgasmic eroticism. The one time I did have a mind-blowing experience that was also totally non-orgasmic, it really rocked my whole view of sexuality and eroticism, and that lasted for quite a while (months, at least). As it has faded away to an almost mythical past instant, I get impatient with erotic ideas that are either (a) basically just kind of alternate foreplay which will still lead to the same final (orgasm-centric) conclusion or (b) not intended to lead anywhere.

I feel pretty sad about writing that, in fact I would say I feel pathetic for writing that, but nevertheless its an accurate summation of why my response might be vaguely similar to Donnys. Might. If my wife handed me a nicely made spanker, I'd like to think I could do better ...

[Rich]

Finding someone who will spank you is just about as hard as finding someone who wants to be spanked (and will admit to it). If you don't like a particular kind of sex, then it's very hard to work it into a loving relationship.

Your story reminds me of the scene in "The Secretary" where she tries to get her clueless boyfriend to spank her by throwing herself over his lap. In the end she gives up after he thinks she wants something that involves a condom. She doesn't seem to have the words to express what she really wants (something Spader's character gives her for real).

Consider my girlfriends. Girlfriend 1 likes fantasy play. I don't especially enjoy it, but I'm willing to do it on occasion. I don't get especially turned on by it, but I enjoy seeing her turned on by it. It may make her feel closer to me, but it really doesn't make me feel closer to her.

What would make me feel closer to her is good submission, which I do get from Girlfriend 2. She likes the feeling of being possessed that comes from knowing that I have expectations of her and that I'll punish her if she misbehaves. I get an intense feeling of closeness from having that control over her. It doesn't have to be a physical punishment, in fact. When I send her to stand in her punishment corner, it's sufficient proof of ownership that we both can feel that intimacy.

With some girls, there is definitely a need for the physical pain rather than just the submission. There may be a sense of submission in giving yourself over to the other for pain, even if they are not punishing you and don't have any expectations other than that you want the physical sensation and they want to give it too you. I enjoy the play, but it doesn't build the feeling of closeness that comes from actual submission.

Maybe it would help if you were clear with Donny about what it is that turns you on. Is it the sensation or the submission? Is it a combination of both, where one without the other isn't sufficient?

Some of my girlfiends have said that they are turned on by images of discipline. One man in an Internet post called himself "a disciplinarian" and gave some examples of punishing girls. You should have seen how wet they got. The idea that someone can punish you can be very hot, and it has been for a number of women I know, as it has been for me with certain women in the past. The image of submitting to them for punishment was so intense I would have been happy to do it just for the feeling. I suspect that the need for closeness was much more important than this than any need for a particular sensation, although the pain also had a pleasurable component.

It's entirely possible that you have a need for intimacy that comes from being disciplined. If so, maybe he just needs to learn some of the tricks of the trade, so that he can handle your needs without it taking too much of his time. You can give him my address and I'll try to answer his questions. I can give him some secrets that I use with my girls to keep them under submission without it becoming a full-time job.

Finally, it does appear that you deserve to be punished. You've been misuing the word "spank." A spanking is something that is delivered with the hand. If you use an instrument, then it's not a spanking. It might be a paddling. That's something you do with a flat object, such as a paddle or the back of a hairbrush. Or, it could be a whipping. That's something you do with long flexible things like switches, belts or straps. Technically, I suppose that that would include a cane, but the use of a cane usually means giving a caning. These, of course, are all forms of flagellation.

I know, I know. You just can't get consensus on anything, can you? If you look in the dictionary, you probably get a wide variety of definitions, depending on which dictionary you chose. You can get the simple definition here: http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/spanking. Wikipedia considers it to be a broader term. I'm just giving you what you'd likely get in the community here in the SF Bay Area, but even here you'd find some variation. The advantage of the definions I've given you is that it makes it easier to match the expected intensity with the verb. What would you expect if you got spanked, paddled, whipped or caned? Probably you'd get a sense that the intensity went up as the verb progressed.

Good luck on getting the right kinds of marks on your bottom. You certainly deserve it!

[nico]

In my experience too, the boyfriend who loved me "could never" hurt me, but guys with whom I wasn't as emotionally bonded were more easily convinced to play rough.

My big epiphany about this was that the boy who loved me was unable to objectify me enough to do the things that are in my definition of good, adrenaline-pumping, scream-inducing sex.

So maybe you should try creating a space or ritual in which you can -- temporarily -- give donny permission to objectify you to the point that he feels comfortable being...creative. :)

[Geoff]

Um, here's the thing. Despite the fact that we live in a "patriarchy" culture, I'm sure that there are a lot of men who are very uncomfortable (Jesus, constitutionally unable) with hurting a woman, especially one they love. Cause I'm one of 'em. But what's way harder is humiliating her. I'm not sure if that's what you're looking or asking (Donny) for. If he knows you like it and can take it, I'm sure you could work out a spanking now and again. It may not be his thing, but if he knows it's your(italics)(or one of your) thing(s) I'm sure he'd love to satisfy it and you, because he loves you.

But the emotional thing is harder. My wife asked me (once-- I guess she gave up) to call her "slut, whore," etc. while fucking. I did it, and I think she liked it (fuck, she asked for it, right?), but it was hard-- and that's not just a stupid joke.

P.S. You are a harsh mistress! Knowing you're an English teacher makes me watch the dodgy shift key very closely!!

P.P.S. Edit that last shit out! For the love of God!!

bye (That is, ''Bye'.)

1

[Geoff]

Quick thought. I quit tying up the Mrs. for I don't know, 5-8 years. (It's true that babies do not improve your sex life.) One night we got drunk, and I announced I was going to tie her up and fuck her. She literally clapped her hands in joy (not to be confused with NJoy (tm)).

It was fun and all, but in retrospect, why didn't she just tell me she missed it?

CG, I'm in no position to give advice to someone I don't know, but hell, tell him what you want. The guy's not a mindreader. None of us are, and I'm sure he'd love to make you happy (or come really hard).

'Night.

P.S. If you're actually considering putting up any of my drunken ramblings, I trust you'll conceal my last name. I'm sure you understand in light of your recent difficulties, for which you have my sympathy.

Thanks for the space to ramble.