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26 January 2007

Comments

ajooja

I had an Internet girlfriend for three and a half years. Luckily, she lives 800 miles away and we have yet to meet in person.

My wife knew about most of it, but she still doesn't know the depth of my feelings for this woman.

I'd keep a short leash on him. Talk, talk, talk.

http://ajooja.blogspot.com/2006/10/my-broken-heart.html

You know I just sort of feel like sexual people are gonna be sexual people...the last thing you want to do is drive someone underground about this stuff. You're with a guy who is very sexual, and it seems from your posts that this is something you like about him. So why inhibit him? My view is to decide that its okay for someone to have a private life and to give them that. Why do we feel like we have to know everything about our mate? Everyone needs to be nice and considerate but still, everyone is entitled to a private life of some sort, a little something of their own. - just a thought coming from someone going on 18 years of being married....

Karl Elvis

I have little of comfort to add here, but still; i know the feeling, both of being you in this situation and of being him (and in fact of being someone's ebony jacquelyn, i imagine).

All sides of it have the taste of ground glass in the mouth.

A virtual hug here is trite; yet it's heartfelt.

chelsea girl

Anonymous commentators are hott.

If dodging and hiding works for you and your marriage, that's great. I, however, do not desire partial intimacy. Everyone figures out what he or she needs in a relationship. I need a person who is honest with me, who isn't shoving wedges between us, and who isn't running from commitment.

I'd rather know what my boyfriend is doing, to whom he's speaking, and why he's doing it, so that I might make intelligent and informed decisions about my life than to fumble around in the dark feeling suspicious. I don't want to rein in his sexuality; I want to share it with him; I want to celebrate it. I want to be part of it. I don't want to be shut out.

Your marriage is yours. Rock on. My relationship is mine. It's rocky at the moment, but it will pass, I am sure.

cheers,
chelsea

Boldn'Brazen

Oh sweet and beloved CG...

A virtual hug for you.

I know it doesn't help, but it is all I have to offer.

Bn'B

right on sister...you have my support.

betty

I'm so angry with him--I could spit.

saratoga

CG-

I agree with you. It's what I desire in a relationship as well. Internet romances are all too easily set aflame on so much less than we'd require in person.

I suspect you are correct about why he is doing this. You have to be concerned that it may never stop, or that it will be like a dormant disease, able to return on short, or no notice.

-saratoga

pandora

wow this isnt an easy thing to work over.. I wish you the best and hope you two continue to find happiness together.

VJ

Interesting CG. It does speak to his felt needs at some point, given the timing. But each relationship & marriage is it's own creation. You'd have to know how he felt about this EJ. If it's just phone sex, tell him how it troubles you in your relationship. But I'd rather try & talk it out than by doing anything rash.

When asked about the music he liked U.S. Grant was said to reply, 'I know 2 tunes. One's 'Yankee doodle dandy'. One's not.' Me, I've got 2 numbers on my cell phone. One's the wife. One ain't. It keeps it simple. But hey, phone booths are getting harder to find. When you find the 'other' cell phone for 'special activities', that's when you start to worry. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

erica

I'm sorry, Chelsea Girl. I hope you get through this.

It's obviously every person's choice whether or not they can live with a certain amount of infidelity -- ranging from, I dunno, casual flirtation to actually doing the deed or whatever. Deception, however, is awful. What is also awful is the constant feeling that you are more committed, more entrenched, more in-love in a relationship than your partner, and I sincerely hope that Donny and you are equals on this. Otherwise, personal choice or not, it's a lost cause.

Septguy

I hope things work out CG...it sounds like you two have a great sex life. Do you think your relationship whit him has changed in some way prior to your checking the cell calls?

chelsea girl

SG,

Yeah, dude, it had gotten better. This recent episode was my man's way of sabotaging the relationship, of defining himself outside of it, and of venting his stress.

He does this sort of thing over and over. Ebony Jacquelyn is just the latest form of it all.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

badinfluencegirl

wow

wow

i wish i knew what to say... i'm never a fan of throwing out the baby with the bathwater but sometimes?

sometimes you have to decide what you can and can't tolerate and the only thing i know is that you have to respect yourself first.

listen to your heart, go from there

'luck

S.P.

Ouch... makes me wish D did a blog, so we could get some insight behind this... Keep working on it, kid...

C

Hugs, babe.

M

Sorry to hear this CG. Hope things get better for you soon.

JRF

My take on it is that he's basically as faithful as his options. That's how I, and most of my male friends, work.

That is, he's fooling around as much as he can, as well as being sloppy about it, because the consequences of doing so aren't particularly harsh. It's like a kid getting a stern word when getting caught stealing cookies; it isn't much of a deterrent. Especially if he's been doing this for a while and now has learned you're going to be available pretty much no matter what.

Obviously you know him and I don't. But I don't think you should discount the possibility of him just being horny, careless of your feelings and simply lazy when it comes to hiding his indiscretions.

BigDaveUK

Wow - been on your side of the table myself. Try reading "He's scared, she's scared" and "Getting to commitment" - very easy to read and absorb and a lot of reassurance that this you're not alone and that sometimes things can change for the better particularly if you work on them.

Love yourself first.

meredith

I don't know, his phone sex seems pretty equivalent to your blog. You do everything in front of everyone, and so he has his Jacqueline. You betray his secrets all the time, even if you don't reveal his name, so he does the inverse, and pretends you don't exist to this phone lady. If he gave up her, would you give up us?

chelsea girl

Meredith,

I don't see how equating my blog and Donny's phone sex is anything but a false analogy. For one thing, Donny and I have had multiple conversations about my blog. He is aware of its existence, and I have offered more than once to limit my writing or to close this blog and begin another one if he felt compromised in any way. For another, I write openly and honestly, and Donny could read every word should he choose to do so. I am not writing to cause problems between us. I don't write to make him feel uncomfortable. I don't hide my writing, and I don't feel guilty about it.

On the other hand, Donny, in talking to this woman on the phone, is lying to both me and to her. He chose to do it out of wanting to create distance between us because our growing intimacy frightens him. He hid this talking in a place I would find it because he wanted me to find out, bust him, and get angry at him for it. Furthermore, Donny felt a tremendous amount of guilt about talking to her--he admitted that the guilt he felt kept him from talking to me about it and caused him to feel badly about myself.

I'm not blind. I know that my writing this blog absolutely complicates my relationship with Donny. And, really, when it comes down to it, while I would not choose between writing and Donny, I would choose between this blog and him. He'd win.

And he knows it, because I have told him.

cheers,
chelsea

sutton

Why did you look?

TMK

So last we spoke, it was in regards to your clit ring, which your partner wanted gone. I believe I offered sage advice then and you seem to be in need. So take it or leave it, but I thought my point of view might be helpful.

I believe trust is the key to almost any relationship from the work place, to friendship, to the bedroom. Feeling betrayed is just about the worst possible emotion to endure. With that being said it sounds like you have been burned in the past and you are still being burned in the present even though you and your partner have worked out some very reasonable guidelines.

I've been reading this blog long enough to know that you are considering the next step with the partner, but how could you seriously consider that if you cannot trust him? How can he trust you now? How would he feel if you riffled through his stuff because you thought something was wrong and it was just life as normal? Would he feel betrayed? Would you admit your own lack of trust or hide what you did?

It sounds to me like you both have issues that you have tried to work out in the past and may have to live with for the length of the relationship. But if you believe trust is key and your partner is untrust worthy and you also feel the need to break faith with him, then maybe there is something wrong at a much deeper level that you both need to explore together.

I wish you all the best luck and hope I have encouraged you to look at your own actions as well as his.

TMK

Rich

First, good luck in working this out. Second, truth takes a fertile ground. Third, he may be open to some participation.

But you have nothing to worry about. I'm very sure that, first, ebony jacquelyn can't write; second, ebony jacquelyn wouldn't share her masturbation with us; and, third, ebony jacquelyn can't deep throat. You're special, and he isn't going to find someone like you no matter how much he searches the Web.

Steve

What they said. Also, internet-based eroticism is likely bound up in a whole new suite of real addictions - the kind that will make it into the next DSM. Donny, cool as he seems, as in love with you as he undoubtedly is, could be addicted to chat, as so many are. Relationship sabatage is so much easier to fall into when there's already an established addiction. You, too, spend a lot of time sitting at the computer. We, your fans, are thankful for it, but if I were your best friend, I'd try to get you guys to take whole weeks, months, away from the keyboard, connecting in all those old-fashioned ways. Don't hate the player, it's a whole new ballgame.

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