the chewbacca defense

When I was about ten, in a rather politically incorrect and unsubtle move, I announced to my mother that I wanted to marry an Asian man because Asians didn’t have body hair, and to this day I prefer the men with the relatively hair-free bodies. Donny is pretty hairless on his trunk, though his legs kind of look like he’s wearing fur tights. C was smooth as a shucked almond. The Goat-Gatherer shaved. I forced Ernie to wax, to somewhat disastrous results.

For me, the mostly hair-free male body is hott. The hirsute male body, especially those with the fur epaulets and back hair, not so much. We all have our preferences; that is one of mine.

Which just makes it really weird that of the entire Star Wars pantheon, the one I’d fuck would be the Wookiee, Chewbacca.

Chewbacca is just hott. Look at that hair, that noble mien, that bandolier. Who wouldn’t want Chewie to lay her down with his retractable claws and ravish her? The fact that Chewbacca is loyal, brave and technically savvy only increases his sexiness in my book. I do {heart} a geek, and Chewbacca would clearly be carrying a pocket protector if he had pockets, which he doesn’t. Chewie looks like the kind of man who can tie knots with his eyes closed, and on the plus side, if he ties them too zestfully, he can bite through them with his incisors.

I am not a wild, rabid Star Wars fanatic, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I don’t own any memorabilia. I haven’t even seen episodes 2 and 3, despite the rumor that there is a whole planet of Wookiees in one of them. (I looked at Ernie’s watch four minutes into Episode 1: A New Hope, rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth, and suffered through the remaining seventeen hours.) I’m also not a plushie, or plushophile, though I admit I read the March 2001 Vanity Fair article about them with an avid pleasure.

I am, however, a victim to Chewbacca’s animal magnetism. Sure, I can appreciate Luke Skywalker’s boyish good looks. And I can certainly find the fire in Han Solo’s rough-and-tumble masculinity. But frankly, if I’m going to indulge my fantasy, and I am, I want to be wound tight in Chewie’s musky fur.

He’s so tall, for one thing. I see my small and preferably metal bikini-clad body being swept up by Chewbacca’s strong arms in the slim nick of time, slender moments before some Jobba has his rodent-munching way with me. I feel myself pressed close to his manly, mannish, masculine furry chest; I feel his heart beating through his muscles. I feel his Wookiee breath hot on my cheek.

I can see myself plucking a wayward tress out of Chewie’s eyes, the better for my hairy savior to see where he’s going and what he’s saved. I feel our eyes meeting; I am lost in his brown limpid pools. I hear him moan? Groan? It doesn’t matter, and I can’t speak Shyriiwook anyway, so I assume he just said something deeply complimentary and kiss him deeply.

In my fantasy, Wookiee breath is fresh as lemons. In my fantasy, as in my fantasy about the Weasley twins Fred and George….mmmm, Fred and George Weasley….I am bound. Chewbacca ties me to his Millennium Falcon spacemetal bunk and has his Wookiee way with me. It’s my fantasy, and therefore Chewie uses his bandolier for something other than ammo. In my fantasy, it’s hott, hott inter-planetary lovin’.

Which, given that there are no visible Wookiee genitalia, might be pretty much oral, but I can live with that. (How do Wookiees procreate? I’m assuming Chewbacca is male, but the absence of visible genitals is a tad disconcerting. Is the fur that long? In any case, fuck it, if he were a she, I’d still fuck her.) In fantasy, it’s a long  tongue in a galaxy far, far away. In my fantasy, it’s Chewbacca’s cold Wookiee nose pressed against my pudenda and his long Wookiee tongue lapping, lapping at my delicious wet-parted girl parts until I sing out a song that approaches something in his native language.

(I suffer a loss when I come to thinking about how to effect sexual reciprocity. I hope that it turns out that Wookiee penises are not barbed. I tend to turn optimistic and see a manimal cock--maybe sheathed like most animal's, but shaped more like a human's. That I would know what to do with. That would be familiar and pleasant. That would make for fine, if furry, interspeciality.)

I admit I do have a thing for people like Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Boy, a carnival performer of the early 1900’s who had hypertrichosis, a genetic predisposition to growing long hair all over the body, especially on the face. I don’t really like to spend a whole lot of time dissecting this particular erotic fascination, mostly because I am a dog person and to look at it suggests the uncomfortable canine whiff of bestiality. So let’s just agree to let that particular sleeping dog lie, shall we? Really: down, boy.

You see, the beautiful thing about works like Star Wars and Harry Potter, or Dracula or The Vampire Chronicles, or The Sprawl Trilogy, or just about anything with the Olsen twins, is that they give us the fantastic canvas upon which we can let fly the Jackson Pollack paint of our imaginations. Which means that as we get older, we can twist locks of Wookiee hair between our toes as he does unspeakable—unless you’re versed in Shyriiwook—acts to us. Or we can if we’re me. And I have.

If only it were real.

Listen, Chewie, it’ll be our little secret. We won’t even tell Han. That is, unless you want to invite him.

Comments

[Traboyk]

I am so going to be that guy and say that A New Hope is Episode IV. Episode I is The Phanton Menace. So not getting laid anytime soon.

[efg]

CG - what fun! Hopefully Han would be around to play as well. There is life after 9/11... yeah!

[Caliban]

"Chewbacca you're my lover
my very hairy lover
Chewbacca you're my lover to-ni-i-ight.

Come here you furry wookie
and taste my funky cookie
Chewbacca you're my lover to-ni-i-ight.

Let me take you on a secret love mission.
Do me like you would Lando Calrisian."

Yes. Thank you. ;)

Oh, and the word of the day ought to be "dasypigal".

[chelsea girl]

Caliban,

You've been saving that up, haven't you? You clever hairy beasty.

kissy kiss,
chelsea girl

[aag]

Perfect timing for this particular word of the day.

Ain't much better than a hairy geek.

:D

[Viviane]

Oh, oh, oh! This made me laugh.

[S.P.]

I can't help imagining the NOISES that would be made... And years later, in the Chewie household, C.G. whispers, "Try to keep it DOWN, dear, the kids are home..."

[chelsea girl]

Yes, as long as we taught the kids Basic. And I have nothing to do with the Word of the Day, that would be pure serendipity.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

[Karl Elvis]

Interesting, i just posted this same comment on some other blog.

Sure, I'd fuck a wookie.

I'm reminded of an r crumb comic where a man is kidnappd by an amorous female bigfoot and he winds up fucking it (her? it? I don't fuckin' know). It was, as with much of crumb's work, hot in a weird, wrong way.

And while princess-leia-in-the-slave-girl-getup is my first pick for a starwars wannafuck, I can't say the wookie is off the list. I DO wanna hear a wookie come.

[S.P.]

Oh, yeah, I remember that Crumb comic..... yes, hott stuff to my then teenaged mind, in a disturbingly weird way... Flashback city!

[Hannah]

Oh, I am so with you on the Chewie fantasy! *sigh*

[Edgy Mama]

There's supposedly been a Bigfoot sighting down here in the WNC mountains. Wanna come down and stalk us a big, hairy beast, CG?

[Slut Boy]

Chewie's not a bad choice, but Vader is the perfect sex bomb. His head is shaped like a dildo ferchrissakes!

[chelsea girl]

EM, only if he knows Basic and can fix a Millenium Falcon in under twelve minutes. If so, I'm all over that Sasquatch like Brontës on a dildo.

Slutboy, because I use my powers for good, not evil, that's why.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

[Al Sensu]

d'ya think he shaves his balls?

[J Morgan]

...my secret desire has been for Gargan, the six titted dancing chick at Jabbas Palace. Just the right amount of skank appeal...

BTW , if hairy, wookielike programmer nerds are your bag, you should apply for a job at the company I work for, I manage 10 of them !

J Morgan

[Chewbacca]

RRRRRRRRRGRRRROOOWWWR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! Aaaa aaaaarrrrr rrrrrrrr rrnnnn nn nnhhhh, aaaa aaaaa aaaa aaa uh aaa uh-aaaaaa aaaaRRRRRR HHH. *WINK WINK* Aaaa guhaaaa aaaaa uhaa aar rrrrnnn uhnnnn nnn uhnhh.
aaaaa aaaa aaaa aaaaarrn nnhhhh, hurrnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr?