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16 September 2006

Comments

Kyma

Brilliant advice, it's along the same lines I'm going along anyway.. and I'm a 23 year old male virgin and proud of it..

Bad Kitty

Yep. Good advice.
Develop yourself first, figure out who you are, what you like. When you are interested and involved in the world around you, it makes you interesting to the female of the species.
If you are not happy within yourself, meaningless sex will probably only make you lonely. It can be fun, but mostly it is fun when you are not trying to use it to fill a hole that can only be filled by other things, like friends, hobbies, etc. . .
Chin up, dude.

SexInThePublicSquare

CG, that is one of the best sex-advice pieces I have ever read. Compassionate and strategic at the same time! While I'm certainly a fan of NSA sex in the right circumstances, your emphasis on Bo's need for very stringy network of people is right on! I also thought your advice about masturbation was super important. Connections first to self and others -- sex with partners later. There's no rush, and lots to be gained by taking your advice!

Gloria

Superb advice, CG.

I *adore* the way Donny puts it.

Mark

I just read the post, and there's some very good advice in that blog posting - I might even take a little of it myself. I don't strictly agree with the advice of avoiding prostitutes by itself. BUT, I would generally recommend against doing it more than once or twice.

My experience has been that the longer you stay a virgin, the more the combination of both being single and a virgin can make you crazy. I lost mine at the age of 27. If you have to - see a prostitute, but follow the rest of the advice above. Being a virgin can take on a symbolic significance of its own - I understand and I sympathize.

See a prostitute if you must, but understand that you trade the psychological anxiety and stigma of being a virgin for longer than you think is right (which sooner or later will go away - maybe with a future girlfriend, maybe a drunken one-night stand) for the stigma of knowing the first time you ever had sex - the circumstances of you losing your virginity (a once-in-a-lifetime milestone) - was between you and a prostitute.

Trust me this far, I had sex the first time with a girl I met in the bar of a nice hotel. I was on a business trip - doing a week-long training session for work. I was pretty drunk by the end of the evening. When we got back to my hotel room and I wouldn't promise to be the girl's boyfriend and give her my phone number (lying and taking advantage of people has never been my strong point), she asked me for $400.

I paid. I get to remember that whenever I think back to then. I can live with that. But I wouldn't recommend it for anyone else.

Anyways, back to what I was saying before I got off on that tangent. Consider taking dance lessons, too - preferably country, but ballroom would be good too. It puts you in a social situation that's structured, fun, and you're physically up close and personal to a girl so you get used to sharing the personal space, and socializing with members of the opposite sex.

Everyone there is a little nervous because they're trying to learn something new, so no one is judgmental, nor do they remember if you make a little social flub. Little faux pas' are expected and laughed off - everyone trips, or messes up a step, and then they go back to concentrating on their steps and forget about whatever little social slip-ups happen. And then you start over fresh the next week with a clean slate.

And above all else - everyone is there trying to have fun! You will too :).

I disagree with the advice about the toys, too. I don't think that he's got issues with his sexuality - just a lack of sex and intimacy. But, I would strongly recommend staying away from strip clubs, and being careful about prostitutes.

Strippers, of course, have only one motivation: to make money. They are experts at telling men what they want to hear, and making them feel like they're the only guy in the world. As soon as the money is gone - the girl moves on to the next guy at the next table and then hangs on every word that the guy at the other table says.

Even in those rare circumstances where the girls do develop a genuine interest in a customer (and they do everything in their ability to make the guy fall for them, so it's nearly impossible to tell the truth from the reality), you find out that strippers tend to lead really dysfunctional existences. Drug habits, ex-boyfriends in organized crime [I wish I was making this one up - let me tell you - there's nothing like having a girl tell you you have to be willing to die for a single kiss and meaning it...], kids by former boyfriends or husbands. Almost all strippers are Bad News - almost all of them. And there's no way to differentiate between them. They all say they are working on getting a degree during the daytime, or this is a short term thing, or they just got a month behind on their rent and they're quitting as soon as they catch up on their bills.

Anyways, This has rambled on much longer than it should have. The bottom line is that the guy should do what makes him comfortable (and yeah, the lingering stigma felt by seeing that everyone else seems to be doing it, and he hasn't even lost his virginity can be pretty maddening and demoralizing), BUT REMEMBER, losing his virginity is one thing, but finding a girl that makes him happy is what's going to ultimately make him happy. Virginity can sometimes take on a symbolic significance, and sometimes just climbing that mountain alone is important.

Sorry about the length of this. And the run-on sentences.
---Mark

Goose

Excellent advice. I would only add, to the rock your body section to invest in a good haircut, good shoes and exquisite cleanliness (pits, nails, crotch, feet). Girls like a man who can look and smell good.
And at least try to wait and find someone you think is pretty cool.
Best of luck,
Goose

Sara no H.

In short: expose yourself. (Not like that!) But seriously, the more people you know, and the more people you know well, the greater your chances of finding someone you're compatible with.

chelsea girl

Mark,

I was a stripper. I'd be really very careful about generalizing about people who choose to work in the sex industry, if I were you. Neither I nor my friends had drug issues or boyfriends who were in the Mafia. Neither I nor my friends were any more dysfunctional than your average chick. And though I had a stripper friend with a kid by an ex, that really seems like a pretty lame reason to exclude her or any other single mother from the dating pool.

Seriously, before you go flinging negativity about an entire group of people, you might want to check and see if any of them happen to be in the group. We are. And we are proud of who we are as well as who we have been.

kissykiss,
chelsea girl

Raschied Britannica

Listen, I lost my virginity when I was 14, and it kind of fucked me in the head about sex for the next 10 years. After that bad experience, I kept my dick in my pants through all of high school, and into my 20's, until I got married (actually, until I was dating the woman who became my wife.) I do have regrets about missing out on high school now.

If you are currently hung up on sex, and hung up on one girl in your past, may I recommend a treatment that many will probably find distasteful? Start up your own blog, and ask for donations. Put those donations in a special fund for your trip to Amsterdam. Stay 3 or 4 days at the Hotel Rho, or a similar hotel near the Red Light.

In Amsterdam, spend a few hours window shopping. Chat up the girls. Most are willing to talk to you at the door for a few minutes. It's easy to pick out the good from the bad (not good sex from bad sex - I mean the good ones who will treat you right, vs. the ones just interested in your money.) Pick out one you like, ask her for an hour session, pay the 200-250 Euros, and enjoy. Do this for 3 nights of your stay, and spend the last night enjoying everything else Amsterdam has to offer. You'll probably be feeling pretty good at that time, so go to a club, dance your brains out, and try socializing with some real women. Dutch girls all speak English, and they are really fun.

I think the benefits of this are threefold: 1. It will show you just how many women are out there. If you are obsessing on the woman from an online relationship, you need to move on.
2. It'll put your obsession with being a virgin away, and let you be more relaxed around women.
3. It'll help you socialize in person with real live women, albeit in an artificial type of way.

Definitely don't do this more than once.

Mark

Chelsea Girl, I apologize if I offended you. I guess I had the bad fortune to almost always go to the wrong places and meet the wrong people. I did meet a few nice ones. I guess I didn't have the good fortune you or your friends. But at the risk of making another long-winded post, I will say I didn't make up any of the above post. I will tell you which places I've been and in which cities if you're interested.

Who knows, if I'd had the good fortune of meeting you or your friends I would've left a very different post. I wish Bo the best, but just wanted him to be aware of what can happen. I apologize again for offending you. I didn't intend it as a comment on you or your friends. But I can't un-experience the things I've been through - I can only recommend Bo be careful and be honest about the fact that, yes, I am responsible for the choices I have made and the consequences, thereof. Maybe I had bad luck, maybe I was just a poor judge of people and clubs, I don't know.

Oh, and I specifically want to apologize for the comment about single mothers. I definitely did not mean for the post to come out sounding like that. I have dated a few single mothers - and in general I have nothing bad to say about my experiences there.

I just have some idea of how Bo feels and don't think hiring a prostitute is going to be the easy answer he hopes it will be. Anyways, I enjoy your blog - It's well-written, and again sincerely apologize for any offense I've caused you or your friends.

Al Sensu

I thought this was great advice, and I do think he needs to explore his sexuality and sexual response through masturbation. I didn't even know how to masturbate -- I know it sounds weird -- until I was 17. So for Bo, the more release he gives himself the less crazy he'll be, and the more he experiments with himself the more he'll be ready to have good sex when the time comes. As you say, putting himself in social situations is the best way to find people for whatever purpose and at least start learning how to interact with women. Craigslist is really for the experienced, especially since it's so hard to separate the scams from what's real.

The writer talking about strippers was just spouting old bullshit that probably had some truth in the 50s and 60s, but since then the industry has changed, and most of the women who I've had lap dances with over the last 20 years are single mothers and college students, and very nice people just making a living. Also, strip clubs are now BIG BUSINESS and can't afford any slime or crime.

Anyhow, Chelsea, great advice and very thoughtful.

Alana

Hi CG,

The fact you spent a great deal of time considering this young man's questions and then writing such a thorough and heartfelt response speaks volumes about your kindness, generosity, and faith in your readership. I admit I thought for one moment, as I read this young man's letter, that he was just some dude yanking your chain for attention.

You're definitely one of my heroes, CG. You've lent me a great deal of courage over the last couple months, your warmth and frank honesty is refreshing, inspiring. XXOO

As for the gentleman who wrote here about strippers, Mark, I don't want to jump on his case at all. I think he was being true to his individual experiences. Experience has a lot to with perception and perception has everything to do with what we chose to see and not see, hear and not hear.

If you go into a strip club believing you'll be taken for all you're worth, you will be. Unfortunatley it's just as easy for a man who frequents strip clubs to stereotype strippers as it is for the women who work in the clubs to stereotype the men they entertain. Does that make sense?

Peace,
A

The Minstrel Boy

The thing that impressed me the most about your reply was that you appear to have gotten to the heart of the matter perfectly. Loneliness and isolation is a much more vexing and painfull problem. Your advice was kind, and spot on. The only thing I would add is my favorite place for meeting women is the supermarket. They see me fussing over my produce and other groceries and realize that I am passionate about cooking. That often turns into dinner, and then, well . . ..

S.C.

Ah, the dreaded, "Oh my God, am I going to die a virgin" phase. Been there. Done that. Was a virgin until 22.

My only advice for this young man is that the best sex, in my experience, comes from someone with whom you have the chance to practice. Sure, the one-time thing is cool and all, but I've found I enjoy sex much more when I've been with someone long enough to know how to push those secret buttons.

This burdon shall pass, my son. This burden shall pass.

Semi-Celibate Man

Wow. Great post and great advice to young Bo. Despite your protestations, CG, you do seem qualified to give advice. :)

Elexus

I don't think that virginity has to be this gigantic milestone. Physically, the only difference between losing your virginity and every other time you have sex is the fact that you've never done it before. The rest is what you make it.

Some people take the concept of virginity very seriously while others view it as something to get out of the way. Any way you see it, virginity has personal connotations for everyone.

It couldn't hurt for Bo to think about what "virginity" means to him, because there's a personal definition and a social definition, and the personal definition is what you really "lose."

-Lexi

Elexus

Oh, and I just want to compliment you, CG, on your impeccable use of grammar (in general), and especially in your Buh' Whea' reference.

I figure that since you get a snide correction for every little trip, your ego can handle a compliment or two.

The 30-year-old virgin

I'm a nearly 30 year old man and I'm still a virgin. I've never worried about being a "virgin" like it's some sort of disease LOL! However I did go through the desperate-for-sex-with-a-real-woman-ANY-woman phase. Masturbation helps but I disagree that it comes even close to being enough. All masturbation does is give you physical release. If you're spending your day thinking about how badly you want a woman, no amount of masturbation is going to satisfy that desire.

Eventually I realized I was driving myself crazy thinking about wanting to fuck somebody--anybody. Now I think about what kind of woman I ultimately want and am out there looking for her. Doing that will completely change the way you feel. You'll no longer be desperate and you need not feel abnormal either because I assure you, you aren't.

Hiring a prostitute or going on a European sex tour isn't going to make you feel any better. not to mention it's potentially dangerous. No... the simplest way to eliminate your loneliness and social isolation from the opposite sex is to find some girls that you DO NOT find physically attractive and become friends. Girls who you don't want to fuck are very easy to talk to and will make your new socialization much more comfortable. Besides...they're GIRLS! 99% of them would like nothing more than to talk a guy's ear off and have him actually listen to them!

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