The truism goes, “Those who can’t do, teach.”
Despite the several lovely and generous offers from some of my male readers, mostly those who live rather inconveniently across the Pond, I find myself currently sans partner, as you who keep up with my pretty dumb things are well aware. I even, to my intermittent consternation, find my libido flickering like a lightbulb with a faulty connection.
And yet, when it’s on, it’s klieglight bright. Cities have been lit with the power of my libido.
I hyperbolize, but you get the enlightened picture.
Currently, the house is a bit dim. The lights are down, and the absence of kinky means that I can be more clearly thinky. Let me, then, address some questions that some of my readers have been asking of me. Let me, then, give you directions to the tender part.
Let me teach you how to buttfuck.
I’m writing here more or less a primer to the beginner sodomite. I don’t pretend to have knowledge treading on territory much beyond the narrow bounds of dilettante buttfuckee. I will not, she may rest assured with her eponymous plug snug in her rectum, snatch the crown from the Ass Sex Queen, Tristan Taoromino. She can sit pretty and easy on that omniscient butt of hers.
But enough people have asked that I want to share my limited wealth. And here is what I know.
Step 1: Know Thine Own Ass
The best way to make friends with anal sex with someone else is to first experience it on your onesy. You will feel infinitely more at ease opening and spreading the virgin gates of your butt if you have some idea of what is coming. I cannot urge you emphatically enough to buy two items and play with them by yourself before you invite another body into your home.
You need to buy some designer lube, and you need to buy a small buttplug. I have tried a lot of lubes, and Maximus is the best. It is highly viscous and it stays liquidy when you need it to. It doesn’t taste particularly good, but anal and oral should never mix, so that’s really not an issue. I also like Liquid Silk, but Maximus is better.
I promote the use of the buttplug over other anal toys for the simple reason that I like it best. I don’t particularly like beads or beady dildos. And while I do enjoy the traditionally shaped ass dildo, you may want to graduate to a dildo slowly. Buttplugs are great because they stay in place while you masturbate, receive head, or fuck vaginally. They are small, not particularly scary (many of them), and they insert easily.
Buy some very good lube and buy a buttplug, preferably a silicone one because it washes up easily. Watch porn, read erotica, do whatever it is you like to do when you masturbate, and when you’re aroused, lube your plug generously, lube your asshole generously, and slowly insert the plug in your ass.
It’s going to hurt as you spread, and then it will “pop” almost audibly into place. That pop will be accompanied by a little flash of pain, and then the pain will subside.
So it’s going to hurt a little bit, then it will feel interesting, and finally it will feel good. When you learn to experience the plug happily, you can start playing with it in various ways—you can sit on it and touch yourself (whether you’re male or female); you can enjoy double penetration with another toy if you’re female. Just be patient, and figure out what you like. It’s your ass, to paraphrase Bliatz, play with it.
When you're done playing, remove the plug by grasping the flangy end and pull it gently and slowly out of your little behind. It will probably be kind of nasty. Accept. Move on to the sink and wash it with hot water and anti-bacterial soap. Make sure you clean up after your own darn self too--if you're a chick, you need to pee in addition to washing to prevent urinary tract infections.
Finally, don't be nervous if the lube makes you a bit...uh...anxious to poop. It's normal. Everyone poops. (Unfortunately. But really, my horror of pooh is a post in its own right.)
Step 2: Don’t Just Walk the Assy Walk; Talk the Assy Talk
You are, of course, taking buttplug in hand so that you can enjoy all this assy fun with another person. What you need to do after figuring out what you like is to communicate it to him or her or them. Talking about sex is not just fun, it’s dead helpful. So find the vocabulary and do it.
If you’re old enough to be fucking, you’re old enough to talk about it in no uncertain terms. And I must urge you to choose to pop your anal plum with someone you can talk to. You do not want to do it for the first time on a first date. It doesn’t have to be someone you have a love connection with—though I’m not knocking that—but it does have to be someone you can have a frank and open discussion with about the state of your ass. Talk about it before you do it, talk about it while you’re doing it, and talk about it after you've done it. Just talk.
I would suggest playing with the buttplug with your partner before you actually do the bendover girlfriend or boyfriend deed. It took me a really long time to feel comfy with toys during sex. I used to feel quite self-conscious about the toys. I got over it.
It feels divine to get head while wearing a plug. It feels diviner to get fucked while wearing a plug. Integrating your friend the buttplug into your sexplay will not only get you feeling chuffed about ass sex, but it will also add new hotness to your traditional sex play.
Step 3: It’s a Wash
You have the lube, you have the plug, you’ve talked to your partner, you’ve played in bed, you’re ready to rock and fucking roll. Now go to the pharmacy and buy an enema.
Good sodomites clean house. Cleanliness is next to godlessness, and you need to be cocksure that you have mitigated the possibility of accidental poohage. Yes, as Elvis Costello and the Attractions have pointed out, accidents will happen, but you can prep yourself so that they are less likely to.
I suggest a plebian Fleet enema. Follow the directions on the box. Enough said.
Step 4: Plug It
After your enema and at some point during and/or before your play, insert your plug. If you have a small one, you can actually walk around, go shopping, have dinner, watch a movie, drive to the mall, go bowling, whatever, while wearing it. This will do a couple of things: it will excite you both physically and mentally, for nothing is more titillating than knowing you’re secretly preparing for naughty hot monkey butt sex; it will excite your partner physically and mentally (see above); and it will stretch and pre-lube your rectum so that when your partner inserts his cock or her dildo into your previously egress-only orifice it won’t hurt that badly.
Trust me on this one. Just wear it.
Step 5: Doing the (un)Nasty (and Loving It)
You’re in bed, and you’re prepped and ready to go. You’re going to be nervous. It’s cool. In fact, it’s exciting. You and your partner are poised on the brink of experiencing something new and potentially fantastic.
So now that we've reached this magic moment and I have your full attention, it’s time to talk about safety. There is a long litany of nasty you can get from buttfucking. AIDS/HIV, sure, but also gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis, herpes, anal warts, anal fissures, and hemorrhoids. You don’t want any of them. Therefore, unless you and your partner are 100% monogamous and checked out for all known diseases—or unless your play is with a preferably silicone dildo that will fuck one ass and one ass only, ie, yours—you must use a condom. You must in any case use lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of lube.
There is no such thing as too much lube. Lube makes the friction pleasurable, and your ass doesn’t produce the right kind. Use a metaphoric ton of lube. As you did with your plug, lube your ass and lube your cock before insertion. Lube will help you from getting tears if you let yourself go and buttfuck vigorously, and it will help prevent hemmorrhoids. Let the lube flow.
You need to be safe by also being very clean. Anything that goes in your ass must not go in anyone’s mouth or pussy. You and your partner have to keep track of what goes where. I suggest that if you like to use fingers, you do the Hindu thing and use one hand for the ass and the other hand for all other body parts.
And as The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy suggests, a towel is a good thing.
Ok, so you’re in bed, you’re prepped. You're ready to pop the plum. And I'm going to leave you, ass hanging in the air, as it were, until tomorrow.
Trust me. It'll be worth it.