monogamy: it's not for me

Ahhhhh….monogamy. The promise that keeps us promising.

And the promise that so often fails us. Or at which we fail.

Recently, a bloggy friend wrote me about the issue. He said,

I'm wondering if humans are meant to be monogamous. I know it's been said before, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around "one woman, for the rest of my life."

It's a bit odd, don't ya think?

Re-reading this quote, I find it’s pretty crystal that my friend’s knickers are twisty over the concept of monogamy—in his second sentence, for example, he’s is having a weird out-of-the-body experience. What he means to be saying, I think, is that it’s been said before that perhaps humans aren’t supposed to be monogamous—the clause “I know it’s been said before..” belongs with the previous sentence. Instead, he ends up saying that it’s been said before that he has a hard time with the concept of monogamy, if not the reality.

Which, probably, it has.

Even if only his unconscious admits it.

I wrote my friend back with my ideas on the subject of monogamy; he suggested I post my musings. Here they are, somewhat edited for style, though not for content:

I don't think humans are "meant" to be with one person. We are not geese. I think monogamy, like a political system, like an accessory, like a religion, is a peculiarly human choice, and one, if you make it, you have to make again and again and again, ad infinitum.

Or possibly ad nauseum.

Not to sound too much like the hard-assed grammarian and rhetorician that I have been trained to be, the abundance passive syntax in your short letter—“are meant,” “been said”—raises other questions, questions that actually are central to this monogamy morass. See, the passive syntax removes agency; in the sentences I don’t know who is doing the meaning, nor who is doing the saying. And in point of fact, in reality we as people and readers don’t either.

Who does say humans are or are not meant to be monogamous? Who or what means humans to be monogamous, or not? Figuring out the answers to those questions probably would help those struggling with the larger one-person-only question. Does society say it? Does God mean it? Does nature? Do you buy into those voices as important?

You and your beloved only can figure out what makes sense to you and your beloved. Monogamy is a big rock question. It’s like kids. It’s a dealbreaker. If you look in your heart and can’t compromise on not having a kid when you want one, you probably shouldn’t marry a person adamantly set against parenthood. If you look in your heart and believe that you cannot accept traditional monogamy as a foundation to your relationship, then you probably shouldn’t marry a person who does.

These opposing choices lead to badness. And not the good oh it’s so bad it’s good kind of badness, but real wickedness, real hurt, real pain, real betrayal, and real emotional scars.

Monogamy: it's not for me. Anytime I am hemmed in by some proscription, my desire, eventually, is to act out. Monogamy included. For me, though, it's a bit easier than for you, I suspect. I'm happy to have one man, as long as we can include women in our play, or public play in our play, or play in our play.

I look to Jenna Jameson for inspiration. Sure, I can do porn, but only with my husband. Or with chicks. Really, really hot chicks.

I don’t need to have a lover. In my relationship I don't want to build distance; I want to build intimacy, so my interest lies in finding a man I can explore physical—as well as emotional, intellectual, metaphysical and spiritual—possibilities.

In an ideal world, and this is not yet it, I will find a mate with whom I can explore a wide range of pleasure. I believe in trust, and I believe in a relationship predicated on trust, and I believe in honesty. And, honestly, I can't see that I'll ever make a conscious, willing, and truthful promise to have sex with one human being, and one only, for the rest of my life.

Which is why God created threesomes.

And hot bisexual chicks.

Comments

[autumn]

Yes, thank god for hot bisexual chicks... we'd be lost without them, I think.

[SJR]

I wrote something on this a while back. I agree with you. Monoagamy is a human creation, not a biolgical one.

Plus I love hot bisexual chicks too!!!

[The Bastard]

Yeah, when I said quote me, I didn't mean for you to diagnose my sentence structure. Sooo... Thanks. I think.

-The Bastard.

[badly dubbed boy]

You have not known Hell till you've known hot bisexual chicks. Who treat you like their brother when, really, you want to tie them up, and make them gush.

[Toady]

Amen to that. Threesomes with hot bisexual chicks rule (speaking as one who has had threesomes and is planning more, as opposed to just someone who can't get enough of threesome porn).

On the whole, monogamy in my opinion, comes down to the individual. My girlfriend, for example. She is one of these loyal-to-the-bitter-end types of people. Now, I used to be like that. Recently though... not so much, and I think one big reason for this is the fact that over the years I have come to know what I want, sexually and emotionally from life. I want to be loved. We all do. I want to be with that person I can love and I can hold and be truly intimate with. But I also want to be free sexually, to explore myself and others in the most amazing of ways. And I can't do that with just one woman.

Speaking as a man (either that or a woman who's REALLY let herself go), I think that the male side of the species on the whole finds it a lot harder to naturally be monogamous. At least, that's what instinct and one half of my personal experience tells me. The other half tells me that there are a hell of a lot of women out there who just want to get laid and don't give a rats about loyalty and commitment. It all depends, really.

Okay, so far, I've been all over the place with my response to this topic, and for that, I apologise, but I am not a writer. Well, I am, but of music. Anyway. I think, it is possible for people to be truly monogamous 100% if they really want to be. But the truth is, most people don't want to be. That's why in most relationships that have lasted through marriage, you are at least allowed to watch porn. It's a release. It's that whole look but don't touch scenario, true, but you can still fantasise and just feel like you're right there with someone else, feel like your sex life isn't boring as hell. Because otherwise, that's what it feels like after years of the same stuff, which is what happens in most couples because most couples are too scared to experiment. It's also why I will always love threesomes. And foursomes. And, to be perfectly honest, cheating. Now, I know that the whole cheating scene is frowned upon by people everywhere. But it happens. Every day. To someone you know. And no one ever finds out. And no one gets hurt. I see cheating in a similar light to that in which Brian Warner sees shoplifting: it's so easy that if you get caught, you deserve to rot in jail.

To be honest though, I have mixed views about cheating. I believe that if you go too far into it, then you'll just screw yourself up because you'll get to a point where it is just so hard to stop and you'll ruin the best relationship you ever had.

I have mixed views about everything.

Monogamy, basically, as a human trait, is not something that I think is in our nature. It is a culturalistic, socialistic and moralistic quality that has been devloped over many generations as the ideal way that relationships should work. However, in my opinion, the fact that so many people have trouble adhering to this lifestyle shows that is in actuality quite far from ideal.

So, what does this all boil down to actually meaning?

I don't know, man. Monogamy, well, the way I see it is it all depends on the person. And I do to a large extent agree with what you (chelseagirl) when you say that if you are with someone who's views are not the same as yours, it will not work. I myself am currently in that situation ... sort of ... with this girl who is absolutely perfect for me, best thing that ever happened to me, but I cannot seem to help but be an idiot and go behind her back.

This is the main problem with people everywhere. We know what we want. We know what we're risking. But we like that risk. We like being able to do these things, that are bad for us emotionally and mentally if we're caught out, and not get caught out.

And I'm so very tired and I don't really know where I'm going with this. And I have to go in 10 minutes. And I've basically just been rambling for the past 20 and haven't gotten anywhere. So I'm going to stop now and just apologise for this pointless post that hasn't helped at all.

Later.
Toady