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22 April 2005



Vlads come and go--as it were--and I suppose that in the form of viciously amazing kissers with GPS guided, wandering hands, I’ve been humbled and awed by his women equivalents. At times it was just that though, the best makeout session in recent memory and then a rapidly cooling trail of evidence that she ever existed. I make bad choices in women…desperately, hopelessly, intergalactically awful choices that have led me to a predictably bemused state of disrepair. Part of those bad choices though, was an appreciation of how wonderful these women were in the moment, even knowing that there was no promise of bankable future moments.
No future can be deeply sexy. Fucked up, but…


so, what if you had fucked ol' jay the tool man, would you be any different would you be the same person you are now maybe ol' jay the tool man would have fallen down on the job, so to speak, maybe ol' jay the tool man would have been so bad as to spoil your own sex drive maybe ol' jay the tool man would have been so good that you would have gone celibate because you know it could never be better maybe you would just not be the person you are now...maybe maybe it would have been just another fuck.


I can say this has not happened to me. I dated and never fell in love. Then I met my wife. Are we soul mates? I don't know. I know that she puts up with me, and I cook for her. I love her.


Yes, I've been in your situation many times.

It's a lack of confidence, in my case, that has left me staring at the mirror 5, 10, 20 years later, and going, YOU IDIOT!! SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO YOU!!!

At the time, they did not seem "into me". Women are MUCH more subtle in showing interest than men are. And men are MUCH more clueless and miss the cues, all the time.

If only I'd been better socialized, more of a "people person", had more friends and social life as a young child (instead of being a nerd), I'd have learned to recognize social and nonverbal signals, at least some of them, and been with some truly amazing women in my teens, 20's, and 30's.

Instead, I've consistently been with the loudest, most obnoxious, most in-your-face woman around in any given situation-- the one who woos me by clubbing me over the head and dragging me back to her cave-- or, when I've done the chasing, with someone shy but dramatically overweight and not the type that the really hot guys would go after, because I'd never be able to compete with them. I thought. But many years later found out I was wrong. Auugh!!

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